It's Alive!!

Movies For The 'Ween '014

If you read my last blog I mentioned that I would be watching many horror films this month leading up to my Halloween Horror Movie Marathon Massacre. If you didn't read it I hope you had a good reason such as all the classic Universal Monsters entered our dimension to take over the world and you and your friends had to team up with Frankenstein ('s monster) to defeat them. Wolfman's got nards!!

Since the beginning of the month I have so far watched six films. I'm a little behind but I'll get there. It's all Aishling's fault anyway. Speaking of whom, she now has her own blog where she talks about stuff like clothes and music and films and other things she doesn't realise that I have better taste in. Go check out her blog here. She reviewed some of these films too so you can find them somewhere around here and compare her thoughts with mine.


Super 8

Super 8 is supposed to be an homage to Spielberg's Amblin films of the 80s and early 90s. Remember them? The Goonies and Gremlins? Super 8 is actually an action film where explosions happen between lens flares and some kids run around the set. Had it not tried to be an homage it could have been a great film but the fact that it actually tries so hard just makes it fail terribly. The kids are in no way endearing like they are in The Goonies. They just act like kids rather than being kids. Abrams should have left out half the effects and put more effort into writing a good children's sci-fi film. Also there was not one ethnic kid in the gang. How racist is that?

RUN!! It's another fucking lens flare!

Los Ojos de Julia

Or "Julia's Eyes" to you. Julia and her twin sister suffer from a degenerative eye condition. The sister kills herself after her eye operation didn't work and Julia thinks that some shenanigans have been going on. The film starts off like a supernatural horror mixed with a giallo style. I wish it had stayed that way because it becomes a typical multiple predictable twist film. It should have been at least half an hour shorter too. One thing I did like was how when Julia had her eye operation and her eyes were bandaged over the camera never showed anyone's face. It just couldn't save the film.

When I searched "Julia's Eyes gif" this came up.

Sinister

Ethan Hawke is a true crime writer who moves into a new house and finds a box of old film reels and immediately starts to watch them and hits the bottle. Like all authors do. Those high-functioning alcoholics. The use of music for the film reels was great except for when they'd put in that jump-scare loud noise. When things go quiet you know a loud noise is coming along with a big close-up face. Pant-shittingly scary it is not. Sinister is like the opposite of Julia's Eyes. Julia's Eyes started as a supernatural film and became a kind of predictable thriller, whereas Sinister starts as a thriller and becomes a kind of predictable supernatural horror. But Ziggy is in it!

Ahh! Wet paint, my one fear.

You're Next

Madonna and her husband are joined by their spoilt rich kids and their partners and Ti West in their new house for a dysfunctional anniversary dinner. It's a clichéd family with the rich dad and stuck-up wife, the annoying bully brother who doesn't die quick enough, the semi-failed college lecturer, the bimbo daughter and the black sheep son. Besides all that it became a good home invasion thriller/horror. It's one of the few horror films where the woman becomes the hero who fights back but without having to be humiliated first like in I Spit On Your Grave. This is less revenge and more survival. A nice change. She's not an unkillable machine either as there are scenes where she is hiding and scared but she does take her opportunities and takes them with both hands. Usually wrapped around a weapon.

Yeah Madonna, I think it's that child you stole.

Big Ass Spider

You can probably guess what this is about from the film title. A military experiment goes awry and a spider escapes into L.A. and grows bigger and terrorises people with its crappy CGI butt webs. But fear not. That guy from that thing is on the case with his comic-relief-hispanic-sidekick. All this makes it sound like a terrible B-movie. Which it is but it's not entirely terrible. It's a fun creature feature. If it was produced by Sy-Fy then I'd be worried. And Ray Wise is in it with his Ray Wise voice. But what if it was actually called Big, Ass Spider? If someone from Sy-Fy is reading this then I want a producer credit.

Most of you will probably identify with this.

Frankenstein

I assume you all know the story of Frankenstein. Or you have at least watched Young Frankenstein (if not then you really are failing at life) as it's the same basic story except for the dance number. Man creates monster, man can't control monster, man must kill monster. How many times have I had to do that. Gee whiz... But this is the 1931 film starring Boris Karloff as the monster wearing the make-up that every Frankenstein costume would be based on. It's a classic, even though there are parts that are quite funny now and the people don't seem that bothered that a man stole bodies and cut them up to make his monster. Watch it and see how good films used to be when the studios assumed everyone knew the story and didn't need an hour long build up to introduce the love interest and bore the arse off you.

He's got fresh moves. Get it?

Month of Macabre

Aishling is doing this Month of Macabre thing so I might get involved with it too.

Since I'm writing this on the 10th I will do as far as that this time. More to come in my next blog.


01: Favourite Movie Killer

I gots to go with Jason Voorhees for this one. Friday the 13th has always been my favourite horror movie series.

02: Sentimental VHS Rental

Salem's Lot. I remember waking up one night when I was younger and going into the sitting room and mom and dad were watching this on the telly. Many years later when I was in college I went to a nearby video/DVD rental shop and they had many horror films on video and I rented Salem's Lot. I now have it on DVD and myself and Ash just watched it recently.

Ah! So if you turn it upside down his clothes come off!

03: Creepiest Doll/Puppet

All the dolls from Dolls. Again when I was younger we were in my cousin's and I watched this film. I could remember it well for many years after. Charles Band made many films about killer dolls. But Dolls had the trifecta of being produced by Charles Band and Brian Yuzna with Stuart Gordon directing.

04: Best or Worst Remake

I don't think I'm allowed pick The Thing (2011) as the worst remake because it's technically not a remake. It's supposed to be a prequel even though a lot of what happens rips off John Carpenter's The Thing. Which is why I call it a premake. It sucks anyway. But for worst remake I will go with When A Stranger Calls. No blood, nothing interesting happens and the killer gets arrested at the end. I just saved you 90 minutes.
Best remake is The Fly by David Cronenberg. Great effects all over the place in this.

Too many cuntin' sprouts.

05: Funniest Horror Comedy

There's Cannibal, The Musical. Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. Cabin in the Woods. But I will copy Aishling with this one and go with Shaun Of The Dead. It's so good that every wannabe horror comedy that has come out since is always compared to it. And when the quote on the cover says "The funniest horror since Shaun of the Dead" you know it will be nowhere near as good. I don't think anything will ever come close. It's got the perfect mix of humour and gore.

06: Favourite Black & White Movie

There's a few good ones. Night of the Living Dead, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, Psycho, Nosferatu (As you may or may not know, all the music for Nosferatu was destroyed because of a bitch but luckily the film survived and there are multiple soundtracks but the version we saw last year had music that was very black metal sounding and it worked superbly).
My choice however is Fiend Without A Face. Flying brains attack people, a man hands out numerous rifles from the back seat of his car and a man accuses another man of "tom-cattin' around".

Dammit woman! That's not where you put your brain. Best to stick to things you know like kittens and child birth.

07: Best Kill With An Object

Brain Dead. Or Dead Alive, depending on where in the world you are. Lionel disposes of many zombies with a lawnmower. It's the greatest mass zombie mutilation ever. If you haven't seen it yet then you need to immediately. It was made by a imaginative young go-getter who unfortunately went Hollywood and forgot how to stop making Lord of the Rings.

"I kick arse for the Lord"

08: Freakiest Circus/Sideshow

I have no idea what this means. Is it something I have gone to or that I've seen in a film? I guess I'll pick the film Freaks. It's about a group of circus freaks that thinks a woman is marrying their friend for his money. It's really good and has actual freaks in it.

09: Favourite Ghost

Patrick Swayze. Or the ghost of Christmas future from Scrooged. It still counts even though it's a Christmas film.

10: Best Dracula

I think there have been a few great portrayals of Dracula. Bela Lugosi, Christopher Lee and Gary Oldman. However, Nosferatu wins it for the original look and body shape that made great looking shadows. And he messed with Spongebob.

This is for you, Michelle.

Look at Nosferatu's face above. It's mesmerising.

Next week I may have another review blog up about whatever films I get watched and I will continue the Month of Macabre thing. Maybe. If I can think of anything.

I will leave you with the video of an awesome song. For anyone who thinks the American Horror Story clown is scary you are an idiot. It's not about the make-up, it's who is under it. It was scarier when they decided to let Vesty McDickFace star in the second season.

Enjoy.

Block This... Huh!

"My Will Cannot Be Broken..."
 
I finally did my first ever video blog. It was a lot easier than what all these youtubing people make out. You just act like you know what you're talking about and try not hit yourself in the face. Which is what happened to me. I don't know if that made it into the finished video. I let Aishling edit it for me because it gives her something to do and makes her feel useful.

The "vlog", as I call it, is a type of review of the Nerd Block and an opening/reaction of the Horror Block. Nerd and Horror Blocks are subscription based surprise packages. You pay a monthly subscription for either and they send you out a new box every month. I got the Nerd Block earlier in the month so I already knew what was in it when doing the video but the Horror Block only arrived that morning so when I opened it everything was a surprise to me.

I'll add some photos of what I got at the bottom so you can have a better look at the stuff and I'll also say something about them that I may have overlooked in the video or didn't have time to digest, as the case may be with the Horror Block.

"...'Cause When I Rot I Crawl Back From The Dead"

So here is my first video blog:




Pretty awesome wasn't it? Except that I wasn't very loud and there were dogs barking in the background. The last bark at the end though was my dog Merle.

"I Am The Living Proof..."

Here are some photos of the things I received.
First are the Nerd Block items:

This is the stress ball brain. I guess if you have a need to use a stress ball then this would be good for you. You can also see the ink on the side that I mentioned in the video. It should have been pink too. (For those of you who don't spell good and don't understand what I said in that last sentence: It should OF been pink too)

I have no idea what ScribbleNauts is. This has to do with DC Comics so maybe it will eventually get a TV show but still not tie in to the greater DC movie universe. ZING!

I do kind of like this figure. It's like a Kinder Surprise but without the chocolate. Who buys them for the chocolate anyway?


 "...That You Can Right What Is Wrong In Your Head"

Once I get the chance I will make these papercraft Turtles. I'm sure I can do it on my own since it says you don't need adult things like scissors, tape and glue.

 

Here is what's on the back of the box. I like the pictures of the characters with their flat heads.

STRIPPER CRAB!! It's a nice plush toy. And may be a great conversation starter. "Hello new best friend. Want to touch my pubic louse?" If you get one as a present yourself and don't like it you can always pass it on to your friends.

This is probably my new favourite shirt. As you may know I love the Guardians of the Galaxy film and it had the greatest soundtrack known to man. The only problem with getting awesome shirts is that I never want to wear them because I know when I do it's the beginning of them becoming old and tattered.


"The Weak Can Always Overcome..."

 Here be the Horror Block goods:

On the leaflet that comes in the box it said that they were giving people an early Halloween costume and this is what they gave us. I will say that the mask is pretty good quality and while I'm not a big Iron Maiden fan it is still something I will keep and put on the end of sticks and peep in doors with.

I don't understand the point of the shirt as part of a "costume". It has a face on it but if you do what the Block people suggest and wear the mask with it you're just ending up with two faces. The one on the mask and the one on the shirt. But I suppose costumes don't have to make sense during "The 'Ween" (that's one of mine). I'll still wear the shirt. It now means I have a total of two white t-shirts.

Ahh Pennywise. The reason many people are afraid of clowns. I saw IT when I was younger and it never made me scared of clowns. They're just guys who want to have a good time and throw buckets of confetti on people. But I will wear this shirt in the hope I dredge up some long forgotten fears from childhood.

The tattoos are kind of lame but me and Aishling did put some on and they do look good. Probably not worth the $3.99 but fine nonetheless.

The Horror Movie Heroes book is more of a compendium of interviews and stories with and about directors, actors and movies from previous editions of Rue Morgue magazine. But I will enjoy reading it especially since it contains one of the last interviews Ray Harryhausen did before his death.


"...But Only If They Burn With Desire"

And that concludes my Block reviews. While I wasn't impressed with everything I got in either box there was still enough in each to keep me happy. And you just know that the time you cancel the subscription the next one will have everything you love. Plus I'm expecting great things from Kevin Smith's Nerd Block this month. I hope he delivers.

I was saying to Aishling the other day that the Horror Block should get Phil Anselmo to put together their Halloween one. He'd probably just say in his Phil voice "Eyehategod albums for all" and that would be awesome. The man knows his horror so it would be a pretty sweet collection.


"And All The Tears A Man Can Cry..."

 If you were surprised or worried about the lack of GIFs in this blog, fret not. Aishling made some out of a few pictures she took of me "modelling".

This is from my private collection.

That last one may give you nightmares or it may give you ideas. Either way you should be scarred for life.

Thank you, Aishling, for all your work in bringing this blog together.


"...They Will Not Put Out The Fire"

For the month of The 'Ween I have decided to watch a load of horror films. At least 20. I was told to pick ones that were "Halloweeny" so I had to take out some but I fought to keep in Mutant Girls Squad. This will eventually lead up to my Halloween Horror Movie Marathon Massacre. Did you think I wouldn't be having a marathon after all those other films? Shame on you.

This year's marathon theme will be Haunted Houses. I have six films picked out that I will hopefully get watched over two days. Three on The ' Ween eve and another three on The 'Ween (has that caught on yet?).

And I will end it there. Thank you for reading and watching this blog. I may have some weekly blogs up during October just to give a few reviews of the films I get watched. Until then just sit idly by your computers until I return.

"Walk With Knowledge Wisely"

The music in the video was a free metal track that we found online. I wanted to use Walk With Knowledge Wisely by Crowbar but you know how youtube be with copyrights. Cunts.

Here is the song anyway. Crowbar is the type of music that Tectonic Plate movements would make.

We're the Guardians... Guardians of the Galaxy

Kiss My Ashes Goodbye

"Curse all those who were so vain..."

I wasn't planning on doing a review of the Guardians of the Galaxy film but Aishling said I should. Also if anyone is having doubts about going to see it I hope this will help make up your mind. Because you really need to see it. At least twice. I hope to go see it for a third time next week. And when it finally comes out on blu-ray I will buy it and watch it many more times.

When was the last time you watched a film over and over? I asked Ash that question the other day. She said Jurassic Park and Aladdin. Myself? I can't remember. That's what happens when you turn 26. And I'll be turning 26 again in a couple of weeks. The problem with growing up/the internet is that there is too much stuff available to you. It even makes it hard to listen to an album. Damn iPod shuffle. But the youth are keeping the joy alive. A few weeks ago my sister told me how her friend's kid watched our DVD of My Neighbour Totoro so much that the disc wore out. That's dedication. And the perfect film to wear out. And my DVD. Will I get a replacement, Michelle?

He needs a rest after all that.

Enough about my lost youth. It only reminds me of all the awesome toys I used to have and was too young to realise how much I'd want them now. I was watching Toy Story 3 today and I was just thinking that even though Andy didn't want to play with his toys any more because he was going to college, in another 10 years he'd wish he still had them. I don't know how a film review ended up as a pathos of childhood.

"Who felt entitled to hold a place on the earth..."

A bit of background on the comic from what I can remember reading from Wikipedia and for those who just want a Cliff-notes version:
The Guardians in the film are not the original Guardians from the comic. Yondu, played by Michael rooker who is never bad in anything or in real life, was one of the original members of the 1969 Guardians. He did have a bigger mohawk in the comics and a bow to go with his arrow but he did also whistle to control the arrow. The Guardians in the film are based on the 2008 reboot cast. If you've seen the film you know Rocket's background but in the comics he was actually genetically modified, along with other animals, to look after the mentally ill people of the planet.

Chris would be a helpful Rocket Raccoon.

If you're one of the people who have a problem with Marvel movies you need to know that just because this is from Marvel it doesn't exactly feel like one. There are links to the greater Marvel Cinematic Universe, with a couple of characters appearing, but because this was more of a test James Gunn was able to have Funn with it (you like that?). And he had a tremendous amount of fun making it. If Captain America was too serious and Thor 2 was too lovey for you then this has the balance of neither.

It's like when the singer of a band you love goes and does a side project. They have fun doing something different and that is what inevitably makes the side project better. Just like when Phil Anselmo formed Down. Now that I've gotten onto music (how did that happen?) I will talk about the soundtrack for the film. It is the greatest soundtrack ever. Myself and others have been listening to it constantly. I'm listening to it now while writing this. It just proves how much better music was until record companies/indie bands/emos/pretentious-cunts-with-full-stops-in-their-name got involved and eventually ruined everything magical about music. Tarantino knows how to use a song to make a scene better. The end of The Devil's Rejects was infinitely better for having Skynyrd's Free Bird. But then Free Bird would make anything better. Except Transformers. That shit is a lost cause.

 "As a grave for their remains"

Just like the other Marvel films the casting for Guardians was spot on. Although I do think Odin should have been played by Brian Blessed but at least Anthony Hopkins tried harder in Thor 2. As a wrestling fan I never really liked Dave Bautista's Batista character. Especially when he returned this year after going Hollywood and was just a skinny jean wearing douche character of himself. But in Guardians he was one of the best characters being that he was literal about everything that was said. I was pleasantly surprised. Lee Pace was unrecognisable as Ronan the Accuser. It was a real change of character for him. Who knew a pie maker could be so evil? For anyone who has seen Parks & Recreation you will know just how good Chris Pratt is. The man writes his own songs in the show. Just listen to his song about the Jean-Claude van Damme film Sudden Death:

http://youtu.be/2aVbW-bnnEA

I couldn't get the embed code for it and NBC are asses for not allowing outsiders to watch their videos. But watch it. You will not be disappointed. It's as if the Star-Lord character was created for him. Or he was created for it. Either way we deserved it. The only other person I could think of playing Star-Lord would be Nathon Fillion (did you spot him in the film?) but maybe he could be Star-Lord's dad?

Andy likes that idea too.

I won't say any more about it now. Just go and watch it. Again and again. It also has the single best dance sequence of any film. Yes, even better than Hot Rod's. When I do get the Guardians on blu-ray I think I will have to have a double bill screening of it and Pacific Rim back-to-back. Now that is what life is about.

"But no monument for me, please... I am not one of them..."

If you were astute enough to notice the name of this post you might have figured out that it's paraphrasing Amon Amarth whom myself and Aishling got to meet last week. It was a really awkward time but one that I enjoyed because I got to meet one of my favourite bands. I even got the first album of theirs I ever bought signed by them. With Oden On Our Side. No matter how awkward it was I still wouldn't change it. Thanks for winning the competition, Ash. Now win me one so we can meet Mastodon.

"I didn't need it in life, I won't need it in death"

That will be it for now. You'll have to absorb this blog slowly to tide you over until the next one. And watch Parks & Recreation in the meantime. You'll need more Chris Pratt until the Guardians of the Galaxy sequel comes out in 2017.

Recommendation: Zodiac
David Fincher's very tense and very true to life story of the Zodiac killer(s).

Now go away. And remember, if you're doing the ice bucket challenge, no one gives a fuck. Certainly not these awesome badasses:

What I Did On My Summer Holidays

"Child Of Dunwich Rise..."

 So, I have been gone for a while now. I took a break over the summer to watch the World Cup. I'm not really that much into football ("soccer" for you Americans or for others: "that sport where ugly people make loads of money for falling about a field for an hour and a half every week looking for a free kick that they'll spend ages psyching themselves up for only to end up blasting the ball into a child's face at the top of the stands and then put their head in their hands like they just missed by an inch but then remember that it's okay because they'll still be able to afford that ivory back-scratcher because their pay check will still clear no matter how bad they are at their job/driving/being a loyal partner/being any use to humanity and when summer comes it's cattle-mart time where they whore themselves out to another club who will help them pay for their super-injunctions and for a house in Spain where their mistress can hide out with their illegitimate child and when August comes around again it's kicky sport ball time") but it was the World Cup and you can't say no to the spectacle of thousands of people in a stadium watching football for a couple hours a day just to help them forget about the poor people begging and the drug dealers murdering everyone outside the stadium and hoping they can make it back to their hostel or the beach afterwards without having to step over a dead child or two on the way.

Maybe I should say something good about it now. Spain looking like a bunch junkies playing on the street was a highlight. As was Brazil getting destroyed by Germany. They deserved it. Also myself and Aishling watched The Warriors before the start of the World Cup so it was fun thinking of all the teams who got knocked out having to make their way from their hotel to the airport by themselves, travelling through the city with no protection and trying to avoid all the roaming gangs.

Look out for the David Schwimmer gang.

"...You Have Your Father's Eyes"

After the kicky sport ball was over it was time for my holidays. I went to many places. Some were good and others were full of murder and intrigue. Here's an account of where I went and what I saw:

I travelled to New York and spent some time with a quiet French man. He was an usual man with a pet pig and always slept sitting in a chair and would only drink milk. I think he worked as a painter and/or cleaner because he used to return from work with red on him. I think it was paint.
From there I took a bus to a small town. I must have arrived during a festival because everyone was dressed in costume. I didn't spend long here because the cinema was closed and there was something about the mayor I didn't like.
I hopped on a train and must have fallen asleep because when I woke I had no idea where we were. We were going through somewhere that was covered in snow. I tried asking people where we were but some of them seemed to be getting high on what looked like honeycomb nuggets and there was an awful ruckus going on towards the back of the train. Must have been knackers. That happens here in Ireland all the time too.
I won't bore you with the details of how I got off the train but my next stop was to an Ape sanctuary, as recommended to me by a friend. The place was quiet when I got there. All I could see when I looked in the window was a dead Malfoy. And no monkeys. What a jip.
When I reached Egypt I was supposed to meet a man who would guide me to Hamunaptra but I was told he had already left with some other people. Never book with a low cost holiday website. They'll shaft you every time. I will not Return.
I managed to get an airship out of there and to Paris. (What do you mean that's not realistic?) I spent a few days in Paris visiting a few sights. One of those sights was seeing gargoyles attacking a man with scars on his face that would sometimes magically disappear but then reappear a while later. It was like something out of a video game.

My next stop was the Antarctic where I was to spend time with a research group and take their findings back to America for them. There must have been a gas leak or something because the place had burned down when I got there. No sign of life. I hope everyone and the dogs got out of there alive.
On my way to America to tell the school what had happened I had a stop over in Paris again. There was talk of a monster terrorising the city. I caught a glimpse of it once. It wasn't like the gargoyles from before. This one couldn't fly but it could jump great distances.
Back in America there was supposed to be someone from the school to pick me up but I couldn't find them anywhere. I did however get a lift with a family in their van (a van we had to push to get it going). It was awkward at times but nonetheless enjoyable.
They dropped me off at the school and as I was on my way to see the professor to tell him what had happened to the research base I passed by a classroom where the teacher was asking the children math questions while playing a guitar. Quite odd but I'm sure it was a sound method.


"Child Of Dunwich Rise..."

While driving to my next destination I took a wrong turn where the road ended in front of a building. I decided to go for a walk through the building to see what was on the other side. The place looked like it was going to be an amusement park but had been forgotten. Except the restaurants were still in business it seemed. No one was around but the food was the best I ever had. I ate like a pig and put myself into a food coma and when I awoke it was like days had passed.
I eventually reached Arkansas where I would be getting my next flight from. While staying in a motel there I heard news of a man wanted for murder. I asked a couple of kids, who I had seen dragging around an outboard motor from a speedboat, if they knew anything about it but they said they didn't.
I caught my flight to my next destination. It was to an idyllic city that was out of this world. There were robot servants and sunbeds that actually cured skin cancer. Unfortunately this nice place was overrun by poor people. Kind of like how the English always ruin the nice holiday towns. Bastards.

The only flight I could get out of there brought me to a small coastal town called Antonio Bay. When I arrived they were celebrating the centenary of their town. This celebration was cut short due to a thick fog enveloping the town. I also heard later that some people had died. Strange thing is fog.
I made it to the other side of America to another small town. People were dying here too except there were rumours that they weren't staying dead. I decided not to to stay here too long so I bought a sideboard from the new antique store. It would be shipped in a crate to my home.
For the last day of my holidays I decided to go see a boxing match. This wasn't any ordinary type of boxing match, this was between two robots. I had heard about this a while ago and I shouldn't have taken so long to see it. It was really enjoyable. I would recommend it to you.

"...End The World That You Despise"

And that was my rather unbelievable summer holidays. It really happened. Who are you to deny it?

If you can guess any of the films I just described then feel free to comment with as many answers as you can (is there any point in asking you not to google them all?) and be sure to watch some of them too. Also the three pictures are there for you to guess, except for The Wedding Singer. That just worked so well with the picture above it.
In my next blog, whenever that is, I will tell you what all 20 of them are. You should be able to get the first one (first picture) because it's the only film I mentioned by name outside of my holiday essay.

Recommendation: The Lego Movie
It's awesome. Watch it.

That is all I have to say for now. Good luck with the quiz thing I just made up. See you Lazer. 

And if you win you can do a little dance:

Get Your Ass in Gear - Clutch @ The Academy, Dublin, 9th of May 2014

Clutch

 

"Doctor or Lawyer, I'll Never Be"

Friday 9th of May 2014 marked the first time I got to see Clutch play live. And it was worth the wait. I remember hearing Clutch for the first time in 2004 while playing the Hitman: Contracts video game. Their song Immortal featured on one of the levels when you enter a biker bar. There's no better song to kill people to. It has the heaviness and the lyrics "I am immortal" are sung , and stick in your head, while you slaughter everyone. It makes quite an impact.

It wasn't until a year later that I really got into Clutch. The video to Burning Beard was played non-stop on Scuzz (the metal music channel from the UK that has kind of gone down hill in the last few years. You have to wait until night time to hear anything decent and even then you still have a lot of shit stuck in the middle. It's like a nightclub DJ who plays so much crap until they finally get to the 3 song attack of Queen, Bon Jovi and T-Rex and you think to yourself: "maybe things are picking up here" but then they go back to playing the same shit again) and myself and my friend, "E" let's call her, couldn't stop watching the video.

It was a crazy song that made no sense but it was something new and different compared to the Emo bullshit that was taking over at the time. I would have sacrificed many Emos to bring Nu Metal back and not have that asymmetrical hairstyle, woe-is-me, rich kid, "let's go on a black parade", what-the-fuck-is-a-black-parade? bunch of fuckers around any more. Needless to say I bought the album, Robot Hive/Exodus, as soon as I got the chance.

So 10 long years later we finally got to see Clutch play live. And they didn't disappoint.

"Life of a Drifter - Only Life For Me"

 

 I had spent the last two weeks leading up to the gig checking Clutch's set lists from their UK tour dates and while most bands will stick to the same set list for the duration of a tour, or even for a year or two, Clutch never played the same set twice. They may play the same songs a few of the nights but they were never in the same order. The only constant was that they played 19 songs in total. You never quite know what you will get so it's always best to listen to all their songs in preparation. Which isn't a bad thing as they have never written a bad song.

Supporting them was a band called Lionize. I listened to a couple of their songs beforehand and I enjoyed what I heard. But it's a different story when you see them live. They are great musicians and really impressive at what they do. I think I will be getting some more of their stuff in future.

Clutch kicked things off with The Mob Goes Wild. And appropriately enough the mob in attendance did go wild. They followed this with the already classic Earth Rocker and Unto the Breach. I'll stop here to tell you that if you haven't already picked up the Earth Rocker album then you must immediately go and get it. You can finish reading this if you like but you should definitely get the album as soon as possible.

It was nice to be at a gig where the majority of those in attendance actually knew the band they were seeing. Twice last year I had been to gigs where, during Orange Goblin, two people decided that a heavy metal band provided the best music to have a conversation to. They spent the whole time talking right beside me and Aishling until Ash dragged me away after I asked them if they were gonna continue to be ignorant assholes. The answer was yes.

At Red Fang last summer it was hipster central. I don't understand why these skinny jean wearing fuck nuts buy tickets to bands they have no clue about. They only ever know the one or two songs they heard on youtube the night before. In the end I put it down to the venue. Both of those gigs took place at notorious hipster hangouts. Luckily Clutch was in a good venue that while not exclusively for metal bands they do have a good mix so the hip-tards (hipstards? - comment below) avoid it because it's "too popular".

"You Can Have Your Riches, All The Gold You Saved"

Back to the gig now. I can't tell you what it meant to me to finally witness one of my long time favourite bands play a few feet away from me. To see Neil Fallon act out his lyrics as he sang them and a few times during the night we got to see him show off his guitar skills with the brilliant The Regulator, the sombre Gone Cold and the classic Electric Worry. He's got some cowbell skills too.

The rest of the band - JP Gaster on drums, Tim Sult on guitar and Dan Maines on bass - were, as you'd expect from a band that has been together for nigh on 25 years with no major personnel changes (they did once have a keyboard player for three years), all extremely tight and highly skilled. Tim can play those bluesy riffs like it's nobody's business.

It's hard to convey just how amazing Clutch are live. If they ever play near you then you owe it to yourself to go see them. And bring all your friends. If life was fair Clutch would be selling out bigger venues around the world. But life isn't fair so we're stuck with Robin Thicko rape songs and gyrating disease monkeys. Call me selfish, but I'd rather keep Clutch to myself than share them with the type of people who listen to that kind of stuff. And if you are one of those people then hit yourself over the head with something hard. Repeatedly. Not to forget that you read my blog but just because you deserve it. And I'm too far away to do it for you.

The Brain of Light

"Cause’ Ain’t Room For One Thing In Everybody’s Grave"

Here are the shirts we got at the gig from the nice merch guy who I hope got to finish his ham sandwich.
Also thanks to Aishling for the photos she took which I have used here. Check out her Facebook photography page and/or Photography blog page.

That will do it from me this time. Just my recommendation left:

Pumpkinhead

Ash wanted  to watch Pumpkinhead last week and I know it didn't disappoint her. She can't stop talking about it. You don't need to know if what she says is good or bad. Just know that she said something about it. It stars Lance Henriksen so that should be good enough for you.

A Lesson in Criti-quette

"Life is just pain and piss, it's nothing that I will miss"

Welcome back for some more of my self-satisfying typing words. And GIFs. The GIFs are the best part really. Especially when I get a great one with an hilarious caption. Like The Exorcist one about sprouts. That was genius. Told you it was self-satisfying.

So in this blog I will be critiquing some films that I felt could/should have been good only for them to fuck it up somehow. And I will tell you what that "somehow" is, hopefully without spoiling too much on you. I say "critiquing" but I mean "complaining". Something I never do so bear with me while I try spew my hatred out.

Man Of Steel
I believe I mentioned before in my end of the year awards that the fighting looked terrible and I finally figured out why. I was watching the supremely better Blade 2 and we all know the fight scene early on when the vampires break into Blade's hideout and he fights Nyssa in front of all the lights. Well, the fighting bodies in that were quite rubbery like they were in Man of Steel. So what's the problem? Blade 2 was made over 10 years before Man of Steel meaning there was no excuse for Superman to look like he was fighting elastic bands in 2002. Technology and the budget of Man of Steel should have been advanced enough to make it look better and somewhat real. With technology as advanced as it is there really is no excuse for the effects to be so bad in a film this big.
Avengers had a similar budget and more action on screen and still made Hulk Man look realistic next to everyone else. As realistic as a giant green monster can look. Plus the writing was just bad in Man of Steel. Joss Whedon should write everything. With Guillermo del Toro. Can you imagine how badass the female characters would be with those two writing them? No more Christopher Nolan style "I want to strangle that woman and not in a good way" characters.

The Hunger Games 2: Even Hungrier
The first Hunger Games was a movie. That's about the best that can be said about it. But we'll always have the memory of hunger man throwing the bread at hunger girl. Out of context it is hilarious. What a hungry bastard. So I had heard good things about the sequel. Still not good enough to make me pay to see it but I illegally downloaded it acquired it by legal means and now realise that anybody who thinks it was in any way decent should immediately look into self-castration, whether by chemical or other means. I honestly don't know how it got such good reviews. I suppose one good thing about the film is that there are no troughs. There are no peaks either. It just kind of plateaus for the whole run time. If the film was a person it would be coding (medical speak) and it should have been put out of its misery long before it reached the halfway mark.
The first half is about the hungry fuckers parading around the place and travelling on a train and the second half is about the hungry fuckers parading around a jungle. Some people die, mostly off camera so what's the point? There was something about killer fog but it was like the simple sibling fog of John Carpenter's or Stephen King's Mist. It's pretty much what I expect from a film aimed at kids and older people who wish they were younger and try desperately to fit in with the younger generation but no amount of selfies or planking or 4-starring shit like this film will miraculously make you 19 again. But still look into that castration thing. All the kidz are doing it. Trust me.

The Wolf of Wall Street
The Wolf of Wall Street tells the story of a 70 year old man and his desperate attempt to win an Oscar with a porn film. If you took out all the sex and drugs in this film it would be a movie about a young stock broker meeting Matthew McConaughy for the first time. And then the credits would roll. Now you may think I'm just nit-picking but can you honestly say that it genuinely felt like a Scorsese film? I sat through the whole film and I actually forgot who made it until Scorsese's name came up at the end. Anybody could have been the director. It was as if he took from all his past films and stuck them together and made something resembling a Scorsese film. There was none of that Scorsese feel like you get watching Goodfellas or Taxi Driver. And for a man who lived through the 80s you'd think he would have gotten the look of it right. But then...

I'm glad DiCaprio didn't win an Oscar for it either because the man has done and will do far better work. But his battle with the steps is still one of the best scenes I have ever witnessed. I think I have typed the name Scorsese enough times tonight.

Dredd
I'm not gonna bash Dredd. I actually enjoyed it. I will just say that lady Judge was pointless and it was in no way better than The Raid. I don't care if it was written before The Raid. The fact is I didn't get the same adrenaline rush I got watching Dredd as I did watching The Raid and still get after seeing it many times. Something I thought was well done in Dredd was the slo-mo. Many films use slo-mo just for the sake of it *cough* Snyder *cough* but in Dredd they actually have a reason for it and it just adds to the spectacle. If they do make a sequel I just hope they stick with the formula that made this one the Robocop remake we should have gotten.

"Life is just pain and piss, it's just... temporary"

I think I've insulted enough of you now. Especially if you liked the second Hunger Games film. But you did deserve it.
My recommendation:
Battle Royale
Seems obvious considering. It's what The Hunger Games could have been had it been Japanese and/or good. They should have just put "Beat" Takashi in it. He instantly makes everything 100% better.


If you have any problems with what I have said then we can fight about it. Either in the comments or on the streets. But I promise you, you will be either of these people in that fight:

Music and Video Games Part 2

"Crumbling world falls through my hands"

This time I won't be talking about albums as much as last time as I never got round to listening to as many as I should have. I blame it on the shuffle function of my iPod. Damn thing makes it too easy to listen to many awesome songs* but harder to listen to an entire album. Some albums I still gots to listen to are:

Volition by Protest the Hero. If it's anything like their last two albums then it should be awesome.
Meir by Kvelertak. I just recently got into these. It's like party rock but in a foreign language.
One One One by Shining. Seriously, you just need to listen to these guys. More on them below.
House of Gold and Bones by Stone Sour. I did think that the slow songs on Audio Secrecy were a bit too Bon Jovi for my liking but when they get their heavy on it never disappoints.
One of Us Is the Killer by The Dillinger Escape Plan. I'm sure this will be just as irritatingly awesome as the rest of their stuff.
The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here by Alice in Chains. The songs I have listened to are just as good as their earlier stuff. We still all miss Layne though.
Halo of Blood by Children of Bodom. I haven't been listening to them as much as I used to but I think I should remedy that soon.

There are many more albums that have come out but you can Wikipedia them for yourself. For this blog I am gonna put up some songs that made up my 2013. If I can remember them. Some may be odd and some may not be to your liking but they will all be better than anything you will hear playing in Tesco. Also I might mention video games too. But first...

What better way to start than with Down.
Pillars of Eternity



This is from Down's first album, NOLA, which will be 20 years old next year. I already love Lifer and Stone the Crow, (Interesting note, on their live album you can hear me on the Stone the Crow track as I was in the audience that night. Yep, all that crowd noise is me), but after revisiting the album I fell in love with this song too. Honestly, if you have ever listened to Down you will know that it's not hard to love all their songs. Each one is a masterpiece. Few bands ever consistently release awesome albums but Down is definitely one of them.


Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon
Far Cry 3 was a pretty great game. You were on an island and you could hunt animals and people with a bow and arrow. How do you make that better? You change the game into an over-the-top 80's sci-fi action film with a cybernetic commando called Rex Power Colt voiced by Michael Biehn. And keep the bow. But throw in some giant lizards that shoot lasers from their eyes. Still not hooked? How about a gun called "A.J.M. 9" and a shotgun called "Galleria 1991". If you don't get the references then we can't be friends. But comment below if you know the answer and you can win a smug smile for yourself.


The One Inside



Shining from Norway (not to be confused with Shining from Sweden, unless you like black metal with suicidal themes) have melded Jazz with heavy metal and given it the name "Black Jazz" as was the title of their last album. The above video was filmed in one take in the desert and all while they were wearing black. More bands should release videos of themselves performing their songs live. It proves there's no trickery or chicanery. Let's see The Carter Twins do that. Shining also released a video for I Won't Forget where they played on the ruins of their former rehearsal and studio building. Also, Aishling won't forgive me if I don't mention Jorgen Munkeby's dance moves in this video. Watch and enjoy.


Tomb Raider
This was the much needed reboot up the hole that Lara Croft had been begging for. I had played the previous game, "Anniversary" I think it was, and while it was a pretty good game it was just kind of stupid in what they added to it. You could download or unlock new clothes for Lara to wear while you were raidering tombs so naturally I had her in a bikini while running and swimming through sewers. It just made sense. This game, however, gets rid of the silliness and the juvenile sexuality thing and just puts Lara in fear for her life doing dangerous things while helping her friends and searching for treasure. She also has a bow. 2013 was the year of the bow.

Ghetto Love



I have secretly been enjoying this song every time it comes up on Aishling's iPod. Actually I have enjoyed most of Spinnerette's songs when I hear them. Just don't tell Aishling because she'll never shut up about it. To which I will say that I introduced her to Mastodon, Machine Head, Clutch and Burzum. She may not be too happy about that last one considering she likes crunchy cornflakes. Anyway, if you like Queens of the Stone Age but wish it had a female singer then check out Spinnerette.


The Walking Dead: Season One
For the love of god do not confuse this with The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct. If you're playing as Daryl Dixon and killing the same looking zombies over and over again then you've got the wrong game. If you're playing an engrossing, compelling, story-driven point and click game then you have the right one. It comes in five parts (episodes) and your actions will affect the story as you play on. Season Two came out this year but I have yet to play it but if it's as good as the first season then I will love it. Also the same developer released a new episodic game called The Wolf Among Us. I played the first episode and it was really fun. You play as the big bad wolf and have to solve crimes that happen to the inhabitants of fairy tales now living and hiding in New York.


Madman



You can keep all your female pop singers because here is one singer I want on my team when the inevitable apocalyptic musical showdown happens. Agnete Kjølsrud will single-handedly destroy all the meat wearing, attention-seeking industry whores that plague our lives. And probably eat the meat that was hanging off that drag queen. Although I'd advise her against it because god only knows what diseases you would get from it. Probably some we thought had been eradicated but were just festering in the orifices. So now that you've read my thoughts go and listen to the song above so you will see what I mean and discover a new band for yourself. Also check out Animal Alpha.


Metro 2033 & Metro: Last Light
Metro 2033 is based on the novel of the same name and was released in 2010 but it took me this long to play it. It's a first person shooter set in the post-apocalyptic underground metro of Moscow. I'll just start out here by saying that it is nothing like Call of Duty. Metro has a story and you have to fight for your life. Whether it's against the Nazis, mutant creatures or the time running out on your air filter. The weapons in it are quite inventive as some are pneumatic and you have to pump them up to make them stronger and the currency you use is special high grade ammo which you can use to kill or use to survive by buying filters and health. Metro: Last Light came out last year and continues on from where one of the two endings of the first game finishes. While not as good as the original it is still enjoyable and more Metro can only be a good thing.


I Was Buried in Mount Pleasant Cemetery



Woods of Ypres were a band I had heard of a while back but for whatever reason I took too long to listen to. After hearing this for the first time in December last year I have constantly been listening to it ever since. It's just one of those songs that you can feel the emotion coming from it. Before reading on you should listen to the song. Just the once will do.
Now that you have listened to it - and I'm sure you listened to it more than once because it is that good - you may be sad to hear that the singer, David Gold, died in 2011. Now you can listen to the song knowing that it is now somehow even more emotional and depressing. Especially considering that we will never hear anything new from this exceptional songwriter.

I don't like to end on a down note. Here's a song:




"Where the old path I ran came to an end"
  And so this blog comes to an end. I hope you like the songs I put up or even found some new bands to enjoy and some games to try out. Or like, whatever, I don't care.

Sticking with the musical theme of this blog, my recommendation for this chapter is:
Until The light Takes Us
It's a documentary about the early black metal scene in Norway and the murders and church burnings surrounding that particular subculture. If you watch it then you will understand the crunchy cornflakes comment I made above.

Until the light takes me back to you with my next blog, keep on rockin'.

 

*Unless you have my iPod then you won't have that many awesome songs so don't feel too bad.