Thursday, 21 August 2014

We're the Guardians... Guardians of the Galaxy

Kiss My Ashes Goodbye

"Curse all those who were so vain..."

I wasn't planning on doing a review of the Guardians of the Galaxy film but Aishling said I should. Also if anyone is having doubts about going to see it I hope this will help make up your mind. Because you really need to see it. At least twice. I hope to go see it for a third time next week. And when it finally comes out on blu-ray I will buy it and watch it many more times.

When was the last time you watched a film over and over? I asked Ash that question the other day. She said Jurassic Park and Aladdin. Myself? I can't remember. That's what happens when you turn 26. And I'll be turning 26 again in a couple of weeks. The problem with growing up/the internet is that there is too much stuff available to you. It even makes it hard to listen to an album. Damn iPod shuffle. But the youth are keeping the joy alive. A few weeks ago my sister told me how her friend's kid watched our DVD of My Neighbour Totoro so much that the disc wore out. That's dedication. And the perfect film to wear out. And my DVD. Will I get a replacement, Michelle?

He needs a rest after all that.

Enough about my lost youth. It only reminds me of all the awesome toys I used to have and was too young to realise how much I'd want them now. I was watching Toy Story 3 today and I was just thinking that even though Andy didn't want to play with his toys any more because he was going to college, in another 10 years he'd wish he still had them. I don't know how a film review ended up as a pathos of childhood.

"Who felt entitled to hold a place on the earth..."

A bit of background on the comic from what I can remember reading from Wikipedia and for those who just want a Cliff-notes version:
The Guardians in the film are not the original Guardians from the comic. Yondu, played by Michael rooker who is never bad in anything or in real life, was one of the original members of the 1969 Guardians. He did have a bigger mohawk in the comics and a bow to go with his arrow but he did also whistle to control the arrow. The Guardians in the film are based on the 2008 reboot cast. If you've seen the film you know Rocket's background but in the comics he was actually genetically modified, along with other animals, to look after the mentally ill people of the planet.

Chris would be a helpful Rocket Raccoon.

If you're one of the people who have a problem with Marvel movies you need to know that just because this is from Marvel it doesn't exactly feel like one. There are links to the greater Marvel Cinematic Universe, with a couple of characters appearing, but because this was more of a test James Gunn was able to have Funn with it (you like that?). And he had a tremendous amount of fun making it. If Captain America was too serious and Thor 2 was too lovey for you then this has the balance of neither.

It's like when the singer of a band you love goes and does a side project. They have fun doing something different and that is what inevitably makes the side project better. Just like when Phil Anselmo formed Down. Now that I've gotten onto music (how did that happen?) I will talk about the soundtrack for the film. It is the greatest soundtrack ever. Myself and others have been listening to it constantly. I'm listening to it now while writing this. It just proves how much better music was until record companies/indie bands/emos/pretentious-cunts-with-full-stops-in-their-name got involved and eventually ruined everything magical about music. Tarantino knows how to use a song to make a scene better. The end of The Devil's Rejects was infinitely better for having Skynyrd's Free Bird. But then Free Bird would make anything better. Except Transformers. That shit is a lost cause.

 "As a grave for their remains"

Just like the other Marvel films the casting for Guardians was spot on. Although I do think Odin should have been played by Brian Blessed but at least Anthony Hopkins tried harder in Thor 2. As a wrestling fan I never really liked Dave Bautista's Batista character. Especially when he returned this year after going Hollywood and was just a skinny jean wearing douche character of himself. But in Guardians he was one of the best characters being that he was literal about everything that was said. I was pleasantly surprised. Lee Pace was unrecognisable as Ronan the Accuser. It was a real change of character for him. Who knew a pie maker could be so evil? For anyone who has seen Parks & Recreation you will know just how good Chris Pratt is. The man writes his own songs in the show. Just listen to his song about the Jean-Claude van Damme film Sudden Death:

I couldn't get the embed code for it and NBC are asses for not allowing outsiders to watch their videos. But watch it. You will not be disappointed. It's as if the Star-Lord character was created for him. Or he was created for it. Either way we deserved it. The only other person I could think of playing Star-Lord would be Nathon Fillion (did you spot him in the film?) but maybe he could be Star-Lord's dad?

Andy likes that idea too.

I won't say any more about it now. Just go and watch it. Again and again. It also has the single best dance sequence of any film. Yes, even better than Hot Rod's. When I do get the Guardians on blu-ray I think I will have to have a double bill screening of it and Pacific Rim back-to-back. Now that is what life is about.

"But no monument for me, please... I am not one of them..."

If you were astute enough to notice the name of this post you might have figured out that it's paraphrasing Amon Amarth whom myself and Aishling got to meet last week. It was a really awkward time but one that I enjoyed because I got to meet one of my favourite bands. I even got the first album of theirs I ever bought signed by them. With Oden On Our Side. No matter how awkward it was I still wouldn't change it. Thanks for winning the competition, Ash. Now win me one so we can meet Mastodon.

"I didn't need it in life, I won't need it in death"

That will be it for now. You'll have to absorb this blog slowly to tide you over until the next one. And watch Parks & Recreation in the meantime. You'll need more Chris Pratt until the Guardians of the Galaxy sequel comes out in 2017.

Recommendation: Zodiac
David Fincher's very tense and very true to life story of the Zodiac killer(s).

Now go away. And remember, if you're doing the ice bucket challenge, no one gives a fuck. Certainly not these awesome badasses:

Saturday, 2 August 2014

What I Did On My Summer Holidays

"Child Of Dunwich Rise..."

 So, I have been gone for a while now. I took a break over the summer to watch the World Cup. I'm not really that much into football ("soccer" for you Americans or for others: "that sport where ugly people make loads of money for falling about a field for an hour and a half every week looking for a free kick that they'll spend ages psyching themselves up for only to end up blasting the ball into a child's face at the top of the stands and then put their head in their hands like they just missed by an inch but then remember that it's okay because they'll still be able to afford that ivory back-scratcher because their pay check will still clear no matter how bad they are at their job/driving/being a loyal partner/being any use to humanity and when summer comes it's cattle-mart time where they whore themselves out to another club who will help them pay for their super-injunctions and for a house in Spain where their mistress can hide out with their illegitimate child and when August comes around again it's kicky sport ball time") but it was the World Cup and you can't say no to the spectacle of thousands of people in a stadium watching football for a couple hours a day just to help them forget about the poor people begging and the drug dealers murdering everyone outside the stadium and hoping they can make it back to their hostel or the beach afterwards without having to step over a dead child or two on the way.

Maybe I should say something good about it now. Spain looking like a bunch junkies playing on the street was a highlight. As was Brazil getting destroyed by Germany. They deserved it. Also myself and Aishling watched The Warriors before the start of the World Cup so it was fun thinking of all the teams who got knocked out having to make their way from their hotel to the airport by themselves, travelling through the city with no protection and trying to avoid all the roaming gangs.

Look out for the David Schwimmer gang.

"...You Have Your Father's Eyes"

After the kicky sport ball was over it was time for my holidays. I went to many places. Some were good and others were full of murder and intrigue. Here's an account of where I went and what I saw:

I travelled to New York and spent some time with a quiet French man. He was an usual man with a pet pig and always slept sitting in a chair and would only drink milk. I think he worked as a painter and/or cleaner because he used to return from work with red on him. I think it was paint.
From there I took a bus to a small town. I must have arrived during a festival because everyone was dressed in costume. I didn't spend long here because the cinema was closed and there was something about the mayor I didn't like.
I hopped on a train and must have fallen asleep because when I woke I had no idea where we were. We were going through somewhere that was covered in snow. I tried asking people where we were but some of them seemed to be getting high on what looked like honeycomb nuggets and there was an awful ruckus going on towards the back of the train. Must have been knackers. That happens here in Ireland all the time too.
I won't bore you with the details of how I got off the train but my next stop was to an Ape sanctuary, as recommended to me by a friend. The place was quiet when I got there. All I could see when I looked in the window was a dead Malfoy. And no monkeys. What a jip.
When I reached Egypt I was supposed to meet a man who would guide me to Hamunaptra but I was told he had already left with some other people. Never book with a low cost holiday website. They'll shaft you every time. I will not Return.
I managed to get an airship out of there and to Paris. (What do you mean that's not realistic?) I spent a few days in Paris visiting a few sights. One of those sights was seeing gargoyles attacking a man with scars on his face that would sometimes magically disappear but then reappear a while later. It was like something out of a video game.

My next stop was the Antarctic where I was to spend time with a research group and take their findings back to America for them. There must have been a gas leak or something because the place had burned down when I got there. No sign of life. I hope everyone and the dogs got out of there alive.
On my way to America to tell the school what had happened I had a stop over in Paris again. There was talk of a monster terrorising the city. I caught a glimpse of it once. It wasn't like the gargoyles from before. This one couldn't fly but it could jump great distances.
Back in America there was supposed to be someone from the school to pick me up but I couldn't find them anywhere. I did however get a lift with a family in their van (a van we had to push to get it going). It was awkward at times but nonetheless enjoyable.
They dropped me off at the school and as I was on my way to see the professor to tell him what had happened to the research base I passed by a classroom where the teacher was asking the children math questions while playing a guitar. Quite odd but I'm sure it was a sound method.

"Child Of Dunwich Rise..."

While driving to my next destination I took a wrong turn where the road ended in front of a building. I decided to go for a walk through the building to see what was on the other side. The place looked like it was going to be an amusement park but had been forgotten. Except the restaurants were still in business it seemed. No one was around but the food was the best I ever had. I ate like a pig and put myself into a food coma and when I awoke it was like days had passed.
I eventually reached Arkansas where I would be getting my next flight from. While staying in a motel there I heard news of a man wanted for murder. I asked a couple of kids, who I had seen dragging around an outboard motor from a speedboat, if they knew anything about it but they said they didn't.
I caught my flight to my next destination. It was to an idyllic city that was out of this world. There were robot servants and sunbeds that actually cured skin cancer. Unfortunately this nice place was overrun by poor people. Kind of like how the English always ruin the nice holiday towns. Bastards.

The only flight I could get out of there brought me to a small coastal town called Antonio Bay. When I arrived they were celebrating the centenary of their town. This celebration was cut short due to a thick fog enveloping the town. I also heard later that some people had died. Strange thing is fog.
I made it to the other side of America to another small town. People were dying here too except there were rumours that they weren't staying dead. I decided not to to stay here too long so I bought a sideboard from the new antique store. It would be shipped in a crate to my home.
For the last day of my holidays I decided to go see a boxing match. This wasn't any ordinary type of boxing match, this was between two robots. I had heard about this a while ago and I shouldn't have taken so long to see it. It was really enjoyable. I would recommend it to you.

"...End The World That You Despise"

And that was my rather unbelievable summer holidays. It really happened. Who are you to deny it?

If you can guess any of the films I just described then feel free to comment with as many answers as you can (is there any point in asking you not to google them all?) and be sure to watch some of them too. Also the three pictures are there for you to guess, except for The Wedding Singer. That just worked so well with the picture above it.
In my next blog, whenever that is, I will tell you what all 20 of them are. You should be able to get the first one (first picture) because it's the only film I mentioned by name outside of my holiday essay.

Recommendation: The Lego Movie
It's awesome. Watch it.

That is all I have to say for now. Good luck with the quiz thing I just made up. See you Lazer. 

And if you win you can do a little dance: