Saturday, 2 August 2014

What I Did On My Summer Holidays

"Child Of Dunwich Rise..."

 So, I have been gone for a while now. I took a break over the summer to watch the World Cup. I'm not really that much into football ("soccer" for you Americans or for others: "that sport where ugly people make loads of money for falling about a field for an hour and a half every week looking for a free kick that they'll spend ages psyching themselves up for only to end up blasting the ball into a child's face at the top of the stands and then put their head in their hands like they just missed by an inch but then remember that it's okay because they'll still be able to afford that ivory back-scratcher because their pay check will still clear no matter how bad they are at their job/driving/being a loyal partner/being any use to humanity and when summer comes it's cattle-mart time where they whore themselves out to another club who will help them pay for their super-injunctions and for a house in Spain where their mistress can hide out with their illegitimate child and when August comes around again it's kicky sport ball time") but it was the World Cup and you can't say no to the spectacle of thousands of people in a stadium watching football for a couple hours a day just to help them forget about the poor people begging and the drug dealers murdering everyone outside the stadium and hoping they can make it back to their hostel or the beach afterwards without having to step over a dead child or two on the way.

Maybe I should say something good about it now. Spain looking like a bunch junkies playing on the street was a highlight. As was Brazil getting destroyed by Germany. They deserved it. Also myself and Aishling watched The Warriors before the start of the World Cup so it was fun thinking of all the teams who got knocked out having to make their way from their hotel to the airport by themselves, travelling through the city with no protection and trying to avoid all the roaming gangs.

Look out for the David Schwimmer gang.

"...You Have Your Father's Eyes"

After the kicky sport ball was over it was time for my holidays. I went to many places. Some were good and others were full of murder and intrigue. Here's an account of where I went and what I saw:

I travelled to New York and spent some time with a quiet French man. He was an usual man with a pet pig and always slept sitting in a chair and would only drink milk. I think he worked as a painter and/or cleaner because he used to return from work with red on him. I think it was paint.
From there I took a bus to a small town. I must have arrived during a festival because everyone was dressed in costume. I didn't spend long here because the cinema was closed and there was something about the mayor I didn't like.
I hopped on a train and must have fallen asleep because when I woke I had no idea where we were. We were going through somewhere that was covered in snow. I tried asking people where we were but some of them seemed to be getting high on what looked like honeycomb nuggets and there was an awful ruckus going on towards the back of the train. Must have been knackers. That happens here in Ireland all the time too.
I won't bore you with the details of how I got off the train but my next stop was to an Ape sanctuary, as recommended to me by a friend. The place was quiet when I got there. All I could see when I looked in the window was a dead Malfoy. And no monkeys. What a jip.
When I reached Egypt I was supposed to meet a man who would guide me to Hamunaptra but I was told he had already left with some other people. Never book with a low cost holiday website. They'll shaft you every time. I will not Return.
I managed to get an airship out of there and to Paris. (What do you mean that's not realistic?) I spent a few days in Paris visiting a few sights. One of those sights was seeing gargoyles attacking a man with scars on his face that would sometimes magically disappear but then reappear a while later. It was like something out of a video game.

My next stop was the Antarctic where I was to spend time with a research group and take their findings back to America for them. There must have been a gas leak or something because the place had burned down when I got there. No sign of life. I hope everyone and the dogs got out of there alive.
On my way to America to tell the school what had happened I had a stop over in Paris again. There was talk of a monster terrorising the city. I caught a glimpse of it once. It wasn't like the gargoyles from before. This one couldn't fly but it could jump great distances.
Back in America there was supposed to be someone from the school to pick me up but I couldn't find them anywhere. I did however get a lift with a family in their van (a van we had to push to get it going). It was awkward at times but nonetheless enjoyable.
They dropped me off at the school and as I was on my way to see the professor to tell him what had happened to the research base I passed by a classroom where the teacher was asking the children math questions while playing a guitar. Quite odd but I'm sure it was a sound method.

"Child Of Dunwich Rise..."

While driving to my next destination I took a wrong turn where the road ended in front of a building. I decided to go for a walk through the building to see what was on the other side. The place looked like it was going to be an amusement park but had been forgotten. Except the restaurants were still in business it seemed. No one was around but the food was the best I ever had. I ate like a pig and put myself into a food coma and when I awoke it was like days had passed.
I eventually reached Arkansas where I would be getting my next flight from. While staying in a motel there I heard news of a man wanted for murder. I asked a couple of kids, who I had seen dragging around an outboard motor from a speedboat, if they knew anything about it but they said they didn't.
I caught my flight to my next destination. It was to an idyllic city that was out of this world. There were robot servants and sunbeds that actually cured skin cancer. Unfortunately this nice place was overrun by poor people. Kind of like how the English always ruin the nice holiday towns. Bastards.

The only flight I could get out of there brought me to a small coastal town called Antonio Bay. When I arrived they were celebrating the centenary of their town. This celebration was cut short due to a thick fog enveloping the town. I also heard later that some people had died. Strange thing is fog.
I made it to the other side of America to another small town. People were dying here too except there were rumours that they weren't staying dead. I decided not to to stay here too long so I bought a sideboard from the new antique store. It would be shipped in a crate to my home.
For the last day of my holidays I decided to go see a boxing match. This wasn't any ordinary type of boxing match, this was between two robots. I had heard about this a while ago and I shouldn't have taken so long to see it. It was really enjoyable. I would recommend it to you.

"...End The World That You Despise"

And that was my rather unbelievable summer holidays. It really happened. Who are you to deny it?

If you can guess any of the films I just described then feel free to comment with as many answers as you can (is there any point in asking you not to google them all?) and be sure to watch some of them too. Also the three pictures are there for you to guess, except for The Wedding Singer. That just worked so well with the picture above it.
In my next blog, whenever that is, I will tell you what all 20 of them are. You should be able to get the first one (first picture) because it's the only film I mentioned by name outside of my holiday essay.

Recommendation: The Lego Movie
It's awesome. Watch it.

That is all I have to say for now. Good luck with the quiz thing I just made up. See you Lazer. 

And if you win you can do a little dance:

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