Saturday, 11 October 2014

It's Alive!!

Movies For The 'Ween '014

If you read my last blog I mentioned that I would be watching many horror films this month leading up to my Halloween Horror Movie Marathon Massacre. If you didn't read it I hope you had a good reason such as all the classic Universal Monsters entered our dimension to take over the world and you and your friends had to team up with Frankenstein ('s monster) to defeat them. Wolfman's got nards!!

Since the beginning of the month I have so far watched six films. I'm a little behind but I'll get there. It's all Aishling's fault anyway. Speaking of whom, she now has her own blog where she talks about stuff like clothes and music and films and other things she doesn't realise that I have better taste in. Go check out her blog here. She reviewed some of these films too so you can find them somewhere around here and compare her thoughts with mine.

Super 8

Super 8 is supposed to be an homage to Spielberg's Amblin films of the 80s and early 90s. Remember them? The Goonies and Gremlins? Super 8 is actually an action film where explosions happen between lens flares and some kids run around the set. Had it not tried to be an homage it could have been a great film but the fact that it actually tries so hard just makes it fail terribly. The kids are in no way endearing like they are in The Goonies. They just act like kids rather than being kids. Abrams should have left out half the effects and put more effort into writing a good children's sci-fi film. Also there was not one ethnic kid in the gang. How racist is that?

RUN!! It's another fucking lens flare!

Los Ojos de Julia

Or "Julia's Eyes" to you. Julia and her twin sister suffer from a degenerative eye condition. The sister kills herself after her eye operation didn't work and Julia thinks that some shenanigans have been going on. The film starts off like a supernatural horror mixed with a giallo style. I wish it had stayed that way because it becomes a typical multiple predictable twist film. It should have been at least half an hour shorter too. One thing I did like was how when Julia had her eye operation and her eyes were bandaged over the camera never showed anyone's face. It just couldn't save the film.

When I searched "Julia's Eyes gif" this came up.


Ethan Hawke is a true crime writer who moves into a new house and finds a box of old film reels and immediately starts to watch them and hits the bottle. Like all authors do. Those high-functioning alcoholics. The use of music for the film reels was great except for when they'd put in that jump-scare loud noise. When things go quiet you know a loud noise is coming along with a big close-up face. Pant-shittingly scary it is not. Sinister is like the opposite of Julia's Eyes. Julia's Eyes started as a supernatural film and became a kind of predictable thriller, whereas Sinister starts as a thriller and becomes a kind of predictable supernatural horror. But Ziggy is in it!

Ahh! Wet paint, my one fear.

You're Next

Madonna and her husband are joined by their spoilt rich kids and their partners and Ti West in their new house for a dysfunctional anniversary dinner. It's a clich├ęd family with the rich dad and stuck-up wife, the annoying bully brother who doesn't die quick enough, the semi-failed college lecturer, the bimbo daughter and the black sheep son. Besides all that it became a good home invasion thriller/horror. It's one of the few horror films where the woman becomes the hero who fights back but without having to be humiliated first like in I Spit On Your Grave. This is less revenge and more survival. A nice change. She's not an unkillable machine either as there are scenes where she is hiding and scared but she does take her opportunities and takes them with both hands. Usually wrapped around a weapon.

Yeah Madonna, I think it's that child you stole.

Big Ass Spider

You can probably guess what this is about from the film title. A military experiment goes awry and a spider escapes into L.A. and grows bigger and terrorises people with its crappy CGI butt webs. But fear not. That guy from that thing is on the case with his comic-relief-hispanic-sidekick. All this makes it sound like a terrible B-movie. Which it is but it's not entirely terrible. It's a fun creature feature. If it was produced by Sy-Fy then I'd be worried. And Ray Wise is in it with his Ray Wise voice. But what if it was actually called Big, Ass Spider? If someone from Sy-Fy is reading this then I want a producer credit.

Most of you will probably identify with this.


I assume you all know the story of Frankenstein. Or you have at least watched Young Frankenstein (if not then you really are failing at life) as it's the same basic story except for the dance number. Man creates monster, man can't control monster, man must kill monster. How many times have I had to do that. Gee whiz... But this is the 1931 film starring Boris Karloff as the monster wearing the make-up that every Frankenstein costume would be based on. It's a classic, even though there are parts that are quite funny now and the people don't seem that bothered that a man stole bodies and cut them up to make his monster. Watch it and see how good films used to be when the studios assumed everyone knew the story and didn't need an hour long build up to introduce the love interest and bore the arse off you.

He's got fresh moves. Get it?

Month of Macabre

Aishling is doing this Month of Macabre thing so I might get involved with it too.

Since I'm writing this on the 10th I will do as far as that this time. More to come in my next blog.

01: Favourite Movie Killer

I gots to go with Jason Voorhees for this one. Friday the 13th has always been my favourite horror movie series.

02: Sentimental VHS Rental

Salem's Lot. I remember waking up one night when I was younger and going into the sitting room and mom and dad were watching this on the telly. Many years later when I was in college I went to a nearby video/DVD rental shop and they had many horror films on video and I rented Salem's Lot. I now have it on DVD and myself and Ash just watched it recently.

Ah! So if you turn it upside down his clothes come off!

03: Creepiest Doll/Puppet

All the dolls from Dolls. Again when I was younger we were in my cousin's and I watched this film. I could remember it well for many years after. Charles Band made many films about killer dolls. But Dolls had the trifecta of being produced by Charles Band and Brian Yuzna with Stuart Gordon directing.

04: Best or Worst Remake

I don't think I'm allowed pick The Thing (2011) as the worst remake because it's technically not a remake. It's supposed to be a prequel even though a lot of what happens rips off John Carpenter's The Thing. Which is why I call it a premake. It sucks anyway. But for worst remake I will go with When A Stranger Calls. No blood, nothing interesting happens and the killer gets arrested at the end. I just saved you 90 minutes.
Best remake is The Fly by David Cronenberg. Great effects all over the place in this.

Too many cuntin' sprouts.

05: Funniest Horror Comedy

There's Cannibal, The Musical. Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. Cabin in the Woods. But I will copy Aishling with this one and go with Shaun Of The Dead. It's so good that every wannabe horror comedy that has come out since is always compared to it. And when the quote on the cover says "The funniest horror since Shaun of the Dead" you know it will be nowhere near as good. I don't think anything will ever come close. It's got the perfect mix of humour and gore.

06: Favourite Black & White Movie

There's a few good ones. Night of the Living Dead, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, Psycho, Nosferatu (As you may or may not know, all the music for Nosferatu was destroyed because of a bitch but luckily the film survived and there are multiple soundtracks but the version we saw last year had music that was very black metal sounding and it worked superbly).
My choice however is Fiend Without A Face. Flying brains attack people, a man hands out numerous rifles from the back seat of his car and a man accuses another man of "tom-cattin' around".

Dammit woman! That's not where you put your brain. Best to stick to things you know like kittens and child birth.

07: Best Kill With An Object

Brain Dead. Or Dead Alive, depending on where in the world you are. Lionel disposes of many zombies with a lawnmower. It's the greatest mass zombie mutilation ever. If you haven't seen it yet then you need to immediately. It was made by a imaginative young go-getter who unfortunately went Hollywood and forgot how to stop making Lord of the Rings.

"I kick arse for the Lord"

08: Freakiest Circus/Sideshow

I have no idea what this means. Is it something I have gone to or that I've seen in a film? I guess I'll pick the film Freaks. It's about a group of circus freaks that thinks a woman is marrying their friend for his money. It's really good and has actual freaks in it.

09: Favourite Ghost

Patrick Swayze. Or the ghost of Christmas future from Scrooged. It still counts even though it's a Christmas film.

10: Best Dracula

I think there have been a few great portrayals of Dracula. Bela Lugosi, Christopher Lee and Gary Oldman. However, Nosferatu wins it for the original look and body shape that made great looking shadows. And he messed with Spongebob.

This is for you, Michelle.

Look at Nosferatu's face above. It's mesmerising.

Next week I may have another review blog up about whatever films I get watched and I will continue the Month of Macabre thing. Maybe. If I can think of anything.

I will leave you with the video of an awesome song. For anyone who thinks the American Horror Story clown is scary you are an idiot. It's not about the make-up, it's who is under it. It was scarier when they decided to let Vesty McDickFace star in the second season.


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