What I Did On My Summer Holidays

"Child Of Dunwich Rise..."

 So, I have been gone for a while now. I took a break over the summer to watch the World Cup. I'm not really that much into football ("soccer" for you Americans or for others: "that sport where ugly people make loads of money for falling about a field for an hour and a half every week looking for a free kick that they'll spend ages psyching themselves up for only to end up blasting the ball into a child's face at the top of the stands and then put their head in their hands like they just missed by an inch but then remember that it's okay because they'll still be able to afford that ivory back-scratcher because their pay check will still clear no matter how bad they are at their job/driving/being a loyal partner/being any use to humanity and when summer comes it's cattle-mart time where they whore themselves out to another club who will help them pay for their super-injunctions and for a house in Spain where their mistress can hide out with their illegitimate child and when August comes around again it's kicky sport ball time") but it was the World Cup and you can't say no to the spectacle of thousands of people in a stadium watching football for a couple hours a day just to help them forget about the poor people begging and the drug dealers murdering everyone outside the stadium and hoping they can make it back to their hostel or the beach afterwards without having to step over a dead child or two on the way.

Maybe I should say something good about it now. Spain looking like a bunch junkies playing on the street was a highlight. As was Brazil getting destroyed by Germany. They deserved it. Also myself and Aishling watched The Warriors before the start of the World Cup so it was fun thinking of all the teams who got knocked out having to make their way from their hotel to the airport by themselves, travelling through the city with no protection and trying to avoid all the roaming gangs.

Look out for the David Schwimmer gang.

"...You Have Your Father's Eyes"

After the kicky sport ball was over it was time for my holidays. I went to many places. Some were good and others were full of murder and intrigue. Here's an account of where I went and what I saw:

I travelled to New York and spent some time with a quiet French man. He was an usual man with a pet pig and always slept sitting in a chair and would only drink milk. I think he worked as a painter and/or cleaner because he used to return from work with red on him. I think it was paint.
From there I took a bus to a small town. I must have arrived during a festival because everyone was dressed in costume. I didn't spend long here because the cinema was closed and there was something about the mayor I didn't like.
I hopped on a train and must have fallen asleep because when I woke I had no idea where we were. We were going through somewhere that was covered in snow. I tried asking people where we were but some of them seemed to be getting high on what looked like honeycomb nuggets and there was an awful ruckus going on towards the back of the train. Must have been knackers. That happens here in Ireland all the time too.
I won't bore you with the details of how I got off the train but my next stop was to an Ape sanctuary, as recommended to me by a friend. The place was quiet when I got there. All I could see when I looked in the window was a dead Malfoy. And no monkeys. What a jip.
When I reached Egypt I was supposed to meet a man who would guide me to Hamunaptra but I was told he had already left with some other people. Never book with a low cost holiday website. They'll shaft you every time. I will not Return.
I managed to get an airship out of there and to Paris. (What do you mean that's not realistic?) I spent a few days in Paris visiting a few sights. One of those sights was seeing gargoyles attacking a man with scars on his face that would sometimes magically disappear but then reappear a while later. It was like something out of a video game.

My next stop was the Antarctic where I was to spend time with a research group and take their findings back to America for them. There must have been a gas leak or something because the place had burned down when I got there. No sign of life. I hope everyone and the dogs got out of there alive.
On my way to America to tell the school what had happened I had a stop over in Paris again. There was talk of a monster terrorising the city. I caught a glimpse of it once. It wasn't like the gargoyles from before. This one couldn't fly but it could jump great distances.
Back in America there was supposed to be someone from the school to pick me up but I couldn't find them anywhere. I did however get a lift with a family in their van (a van we had to push to get it going). It was awkward at times but nonetheless enjoyable.
They dropped me off at the school and as I was on my way to see the professor to tell him what had happened to the research base I passed by a classroom where the teacher was asking the children math questions while playing a guitar. Quite odd but I'm sure it was a sound method.


"Child Of Dunwich Rise..."

While driving to my next destination I took a wrong turn where the road ended in front of a building. I decided to go for a walk through the building to see what was on the other side. The place looked like it was going to be an amusement park but had been forgotten. Except the restaurants were still in business it seemed. No one was around but the food was the best I ever had. I ate like a pig and put myself into a food coma and when I awoke it was like days had passed.
I eventually reached Arkansas where I would be getting my next flight from. While staying in a motel there I heard news of a man wanted for murder. I asked a couple of kids, who I had seen dragging around an outboard motor from a speedboat, if they knew anything about it but they said they didn't.
I caught my flight to my next destination. It was to an idyllic city that was out of this world. There were robot servants and sunbeds that actually cured skin cancer. Unfortunately this nice place was overrun by poor people. Kind of like how the English always ruin the nice holiday towns. Bastards.

The only flight I could get out of there brought me to a small coastal town called Antonio Bay. When I arrived they were celebrating the centenary of their town. This celebration was cut short due to a thick fog enveloping the town. I also heard later that some people had died. Strange thing is fog.
I made it to the other side of America to another small town. People were dying here too except there were rumours that they weren't staying dead. I decided not to to stay here too long so I bought a sideboard from the new antique store. It would be shipped in a crate to my home.
For the last day of my holidays I decided to go see a boxing match. This wasn't any ordinary type of boxing match, this was between two robots. I had heard about this a while ago and I shouldn't have taken so long to see it. It was really enjoyable. I would recommend it to you.

"...End The World That You Despise"

And that was my rather unbelievable summer holidays. It really happened. Who are you to deny it?

If you can guess any of the films I just described then feel free to comment with as many answers as you can (is there any point in asking you not to google them all?) and be sure to watch some of them too. Also the three pictures are there for you to guess, except for The Wedding Singer. That just worked so well with the picture above it.
In my next blog, whenever that is, I will tell you what all 20 of them are. You should be able to get the first one (first picture) because it's the only film I mentioned by name outside of my holiday essay.

Recommendation: The Lego Movie
It's awesome. Watch it.

That is all I have to say for now. Good luck with the quiz thing I just made up. See you Lazer. 

And if you win you can do a little dance:

Get Your Ass in Gear - Clutch @ The Academy, Dublin, 9th of May 2014

Clutch

 

"Doctor or Lawyer, I'll Never Be"

Friday 9th of May 2014 marked the first time I got to see Clutch play live. And it was worth the wait. I remember hearing Clutch for the first time in 2004 while playing the Hitman: Contracts video game. Their song Immortal featured on one of the levels when you enter a biker bar. There's no better song to kill people to. It has the heaviness and the lyrics "I am immortal" are sung , and stick in your head, while you slaughter everyone. It makes quite an impact.

It wasn't until a year later that I really got into Clutch. The video to Burning Beard was played non-stop on Scuzz (the metal music channel from the UK that has kind of gone down hill in the last few years. You have to wait until night time to hear anything decent and even then you still have a lot of shit stuck in the middle. It's like a nightclub DJ who plays so much crap until they finally get to the 3 song attack of Queen, Bon Jovi and T-Rex and you think to yourself: "maybe things are picking up here" but then they go back to playing the same shit again) and myself and my friend, "E" let's call her, couldn't stop watching the video.

It was a crazy song that made no sense but it was something new and different compared to the Emo bullshit that was taking over at the time. I would have sacrificed many Emos to bring Nu Metal back and not have that asymmetrical hairstyle, woe-is-me, rich kid, "let's go on a black parade", what-the-fuck-is-a-black-parade? bunch of fuckers around any more. Needless to say I bought the album, Robot Hive/Exodus, as soon as I got the chance.

So 10 long years later we finally got to see Clutch play live. And they didn't disappoint.

"Life of a Drifter - Only Life For Me"

 

 I had spent the last two weeks leading up to the gig checking Clutch's set lists from their UK tour dates and while most bands will stick to the same set list for the duration of a tour, or even for a year or two, Clutch never played the same set twice. They may play the same songs a few of the nights but they were never in the same order. The only constant was that they played 19 songs in total. You never quite know what you will get so it's always best to listen to all their songs in preparation. Which isn't a bad thing as they have never written a bad song.

Supporting them was a band called Lionize. I listened to a couple of their songs beforehand and I enjoyed what I heard. But it's a different story when you see them live. They are great musicians and really impressive at what they do. I think I will be getting some more of their stuff in future.

Clutch kicked things off with The Mob Goes Wild. And appropriately enough the mob in attendance did go wild. They followed this with the already classic Earth Rocker and Unto the Breach. I'll stop here to tell you that if you haven't already picked up the Earth Rocker album then you must immediately go and get it. You can finish reading this if you like but you should definitely get the album as soon as possible.

It was nice to be at a gig where the majority of those in attendance actually knew the band they were seeing. Twice last year I had been to gigs where, during Orange Goblin, two people decided that a heavy metal band provided the best music to have a conversation to. They spent the whole time talking right beside me and Aishling until Ash dragged me away after I asked them if they were gonna continue to be ignorant assholes. The answer was yes.

At Red Fang last summer it was hipster central. I don't understand why these skinny jean wearing fuck nuts buy tickets to bands they have no clue about. They only ever know the one or two songs they heard on youtube the night before. In the end I put it down to the venue. Both of those gigs took place at notorious hipster hangouts. Luckily Clutch was in a good venue that while not exclusively for metal bands they do have a good mix so the hip-tards (hipstards? - comment below) avoid it because it's "too popular".

"You Can Have Your Riches, All The Gold You Saved"

Back to the gig now. I can't tell you what it meant to me to finally witness one of my long time favourite bands play a few feet away from me. To see Neil Fallon act out his lyrics as he sang them and a few times during the night we got to see him show off his guitar skills with the brilliant The Regulator, the sombre Gone Cold and the classic Electric Worry. He's got some cowbell skills too.

The rest of the band - JP Gaster on drums, Tim Sult on guitar and Dan Maines on bass - were, as you'd expect from a band that has been together for nigh on 25 years with no major personnel changes (they did once have a keyboard player for three years), all extremely tight and highly skilled. Tim can play those bluesy riffs like it's nobody's business.

It's hard to convey just how amazing Clutch are live. If they ever play near you then you owe it to yourself to go see them. And bring all your friends. If life was fair Clutch would be selling out bigger venues around the world. But life isn't fair so we're stuck with Robin Thicko rape songs and gyrating disease monkeys. Call me selfish, but I'd rather keep Clutch to myself than share them with the type of people who listen to that kind of stuff. And if you are one of those people then hit yourself over the head with something hard. Repeatedly. Not to forget that you read my blog but just because you deserve it. And I'm too far away to do it for you.

The Brain of Light

"Cause’ Ain’t Room For One Thing In Everybody’s Grave"

Here are the shirts we got at the gig from the nice merch guy who I hope got to finish his ham sandwich.
Also thanks to Aishling for the photos she took which I have used here. Check out her Facebook photography page and/or Photography blog page.

That will do it from me this time. Just my recommendation left:

Pumpkinhead

Ash wanted  to watch Pumpkinhead last week and I know it didn't disappoint her. She can't stop talking about it. You don't need to know if what she says is good or bad. Just know that she said something about it. It stars Lance Henriksen so that should be good enough for you.

A Lesson in Criti-quette

"Life is just pain and piss, it's nothing that I will miss"

Welcome back for some more of my self-satisfying typing words. And GIFs. The GIFs are the best part really. Especially when I get a great one with an hilarious caption. Like The Exorcist one about sprouts. That was genius. Told you it was self-satisfying.

So in this blog I will be critiquing some films that I felt could/should have been good only for them to fuck it up somehow. And I will tell you what that "somehow" is, hopefully without spoiling too much on you. I say "critiquing" but I mean "complaining". Something I never do so bear with me while I try spew my hatred out.

Man Of Steel
I believe I mentioned before in my end of the year awards that the fighting looked terrible and I finally figured out why. I was watching the supremely better Blade 2 and we all know the fight scene early on when the vampires break into Blade's hideout and he fights Nyssa in front of all the lights. Well, the fighting bodies in that were quite rubbery like they were in Man of Steel. So what's the problem? Blade 2 was made over 10 years before Man of Steel meaning there was no excuse for Superman to look like he was fighting elastic bands in 2002. Technology and the budget of Man of Steel should have been advanced enough to make it look better and somewhat real. With technology as advanced as it is there really is no excuse for the effects to be so bad in a film this big.
Avengers had a similar budget and more action on screen and still made Hulk Man look realistic next to everyone else. As realistic as a giant green monster can look. Plus the writing was just bad in Man of Steel. Joss Whedon should write everything. With Guillermo del Toro. Can you imagine how badass the female characters would be with those two writing them? No more Christopher Nolan style "I want to strangle that woman and not in a good way" characters.

The Hunger Games 2: Even Hungrier
The first Hunger Games was a movie. That's about the best that can be said about it. But we'll always have the memory of hunger man throwing the bread at hunger girl. Out of context it is hilarious. What a hungry bastard. So I had heard good things about the sequel. Still not good enough to make me pay to see it but I illegally downloaded it acquired it by legal means and now realise that anybody who thinks it was in any way decent should immediately look into self-castration, whether by chemical or other means. I honestly don't know how it got such good reviews. I suppose one good thing about the film is that there are no troughs. There are no peaks either. It just kind of plateaus for the whole run time. If the film was a person it would be coding (medical speak) and it should have been put out of its misery long before it reached the halfway mark.
The first half is about the hungry fuckers parading around the place and travelling on a train and the second half is about the hungry fuckers parading around a jungle. Some people die, mostly off camera so what's the point? There was something about killer fog but it was like the simple sibling fog of John Carpenter's or Stephen King's Mist. It's pretty much what I expect from a film aimed at kids and older people who wish they were younger and try desperately to fit in with the younger generation but no amount of selfies or planking or 4-starring shit like this film will miraculously make you 19 again. But still look into that castration thing. All the kidz are doing it. Trust me.

The Wolf of Wall Street
The Wolf of Wall Street tells the story of a 70 year old man and his desperate attempt to win an Oscar with a porn film. If you took out all the sex and drugs in this film it would be a movie about a young stock broker meeting Matthew McConaughy for the first time. And then the credits would roll. Now you may think I'm just nit-picking but can you honestly say that it genuinely felt like a Scorsese film? I sat through the whole film and I actually forgot who made it until Scorsese's name came up at the end. Anybody could have been the director. It was as if he took from all his past films and stuck them together and made something resembling a Scorsese film. There was none of that Scorsese feel like you get watching Goodfellas or Taxi Driver. And for a man who lived through the 80s you'd think he would have gotten the look of it right. But then...

I'm glad DiCaprio didn't win an Oscar for it either because the man has done and will do far better work. But his battle with the steps is still one of the best scenes I have ever witnessed. I think I have typed the name Scorsese enough times tonight.

Dredd
I'm not gonna bash Dredd. I actually enjoyed it. I will just say that lady Judge was pointless and it was in no way better than The Raid. I don't care if it was written before The Raid. The fact is I didn't get the same adrenaline rush I got watching Dredd as I did watching The Raid and still get after seeing it many times. Something I thought was well done in Dredd was the slo-mo. Many films use slo-mo just for the sake of it *cough* Snyder *cough* but in Dredd they actually have a reason for it and it just adds to the spectacle. If they do make a sequel I just hope they stick with the formula that made this one the Robocop remake we should have gotten.

"Life is just pain and piss, it's just... temporary"

I think I've insulted enough of you now. Especially if you liked the second Hunger Games film. But you did deserve it.
My recommendation:
Battle Royale
Seems obvious considering. It's what The Hunger Games could have been had it been Japanese and/or good. They should have just put "Beat" Takashi in it. He instantly makes everything 100% better.


If you have any problems with what I have said then we can fight about it. Either in the comments or on the streets. But I promise you, you will be either of these people in that fight:

Music and Video Games Part 2

"Crumbling world falls through my hands"

This time I won't be talking about albums as much as last time as I never got round to listening to as many as I should have. I blame it on the shuffle function of my iPod. Damn thing makes it too easy to listen to many awesome songs* but harder to listen to an entire album. Some albums I still gots to listen to are:

Volition by Protest the Hero. If it's anything like their last two albums then it should be awesome.
Meir by Kvelertak. I just recently got into these. It's like party rock but in a foreign language.
One One One by Shining. Seriously, you just need to listen to these guys. More on them below.
House of Gold and Bones by Stone Sour. I did think that the slow songs on Audio Secrecy were a bit too Bon Jovi for my liking but when they get their heavy on it never disappoints.
One of Us Is the Killer by The Dillinger Escape Plan. I'm sure this will be just as irritatingly awesome as the rest of their stuff.
The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here by Alice in Chains. The songs I have listened to are just as good as their earlier stuff. We still all miss Layne though.
Halo of Blood by Children of Bodom. I haven't been listening to them as much as I used to but I think I should remedy that soon.

There are many more albums that have come out but you can Wikipedia them for yourself. For this blog I am gonna put up some songs that made up my 2013. If I can remember them. Some may be odd and some may not be to your liking but they will all be better than anything you will hear playing in Tesco. Also I might mention video games too. But first...

What better way to start than with Down.
Pillars of Eternity



This is from Down's first album, NOLA, which will be 20 years old next year. I already love Lifer and Stone the Crow, (Interesting note, on their live album you can hear me on the Stone the Crow track as I was in the audience that night. Yep, all that crowd noise is me), but after revisiting the album I fell in love with this song too. Honestly, if you have ever listened to Down you will know that it's not hard to love all their songs. Each one is a masterpiece. Few bands ever consistently release awesome albums but Down is definitely one of them.


Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon
Far Cry 3 was a pretty great game. You were on an island and you could hunt animals and people with a bow and arrow. How do you make that better? You change the game into an over-the-top 80's sci-fi action film with a cybernetic commando called Rex Power Colt voiced by Michael Biehn. And keep the bow. But throw in some giant lizards that shoot lasers from their eyes. Still not hooked? How about a gun called "A.J.M. 9" and a shotgun called "Galleria 1991". If you don't get the references then we can't be friends. But comment below if you know the answer and you can win a smug smile for yourself.


The One Inside



Shining from Norway (not to be confused with Shining from Sweden, unless you like black metal with suicidal themes) have melded Jazz with heavy metal and given it the name "Black Jazz" as was the title of their last album. The above video was filmed in one take in the desert and all while they were wearing black. More bands should release videos of themselves performing their songs live. It proves there's no trickery or chicanery. Let's see The Carter Twins do that. Shining also released a video for I Won't Forget where they played on the ruins of their former rehearsal and studio building. Also, Aishling won't forgive me if I don't mention Jorgen Munkeby's dance moves in this video. Watch and enjoy.


Tomb Raider
This was the much needed reboot up the hole that Lara Croft had been begging for. I had played the previous game, "Anniversary" I think it was, and while it was a pretty good game it was just kind of stupid in what they added to it. You could download or unlock new clothes for Lara to wear while you were raidering tombs so naturally I had her in a bikini while running and swimming through sewers. It just made sense. This game, however, gets rid of the silliness and the juvenile sexuality thing and just puts Lara in fear for her life doing dangerous things while helping her friends and searching for treasure. She also has a bow. 2013 was the year of the bow.

Ghetto Love



I have secretly been enjoying this song every time it comes up on Aishling's iPod. Actually I have enjoyed most of Spinnerette's songs when I hear them. Just don't tell Aishling because she'll never shut up about it. To which I will say that I introduced her to Mastodon, Machine Head, Clutch and Burzum. She may not be too happy about that last one considering she likes crunchy cornflakes. Anyway, if you like Queens of the Stone Age but wish it had a female singer then check out Spinnerette.


The Walking Dead: Season One
For the love of god do not confuse this with The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct. If you're playing as Daryl Dixon and killing the same looking zombies over and over again then you've got the wrong game. If you're playing an engrossing, compelling, story-driven point and click game then you have the right one. It comes in five parts (episodes) and your actions will affect the story as you play on. Season Two came out this year but I have yet to play it but if it's as good as the first season then I will love it. Also the same developer released a new episodic game called The Wolf Among Us. I played the first episode and it was really fun. You play as the big bad wolf and have to solve crimes that happen to the inhabitants of fairy tales now living and hiding in New York.


Madman



You can keep all your female pop singers because here is one singer I want on my team when the inevitable apocalyptic musical showdown happens. Agnete Kjølsrud will single-handedly destroy all the meat wearing, attention-seeking industry whores that plague our lives. And probably eat the meat that was hanging off that drag queen. Although I'd advise her against it because god only knows what diseases you would get from it. Probably some we thought had been eradicated but were just festering in the orifices. So now that you've read my thoughts go and listen to the song above so you will see what I mean and discover a new band for yourself. Also check out Animal Alpha.


Metro 2033 & Metro: Last Light
Metro 2033 is based on the novel of the same name and was released in 2010 but it took me this long to play it. It's a first person shooter set in the post-apocalyptic underground metro of Moscow. I'll just start out here by saying that it is nothing like Call of Duty. Metro has a story and you have to fight for your life. Whether it's against the Nazis, mutant creatures or the time running out on your air filter. The weapons in it are quite inventive as some are pneumatic and you have to pump them up to make them stronger and the currency you use is special high grade ammo which you can use to kill or use to survive by buying filters and health. Metro: Last Light came out last year and continues on from where one of the two endings of the first game finishes. While not as good as the original it is still enjoyable and more Metro can only be a good thing.


I Was Buried in Mount Pleasant Cemetery



Woods of Ypres were a band I had heard of a while back but for whatever reason I took too long to listen to. After hearing this for the first time in December last year I have constantly been listening to it ever since. It's just one of those songs that you can feel the emotion coming from it. Before reading on you should listen to the song. Just the once will do.
Now that you have listened to it - and I'm sure you listened to it more than once because it is that good - you may be sad to hear that the singer, David Gold, died in 2011. Now you can listen to the song knowing that it is now somehow even more emotional and depressing. Especially considering that we will never hear anything new from this exceptional songwriter.

I don't like to end on a down note. Here's a song:




"Where the old path I ran came to an end"
  And so this blog comes to an end. I hope you like the songs I put up or even found some new bands to enjoy and some games to try out. Or like, whatever, I don't care.

Sticking with the musical theme of this blog, my recommendation for this chapter is:
Until The light Takes Us
It's a documentary about the early black metal scene in Norway and the murders and church burnings surrounding that particular subculture. If you watch it then you will understand the crunchy cornflakes comment I made above.

Until the light takes me back to you with my next blog, keep on rockin'.

 

*Unless you have my iPod then you won't have that many awesome songs so don't feel too bad.

Music and Video Games.

"I Will Suffer No Evil, My Guitar Will Guide Me Through"

 

As the title of this blog suggests this one will be about music and video games. So if you don't like either then you should go play the football and listen to the radio. Plenty of no music for you to enjoy on the radio. I was going to make two separate posts for both but I'm too lazy so I am just going to combine them into one. And maybe make it a two parter. I have played quite a few games this year.

"Unpredictable Times Call For The Reliable Friend"

 

I suppose the best place to start would be with one of the best albums of the year. That would be Earth Rocker by Clutch. If you haven't heard this album yet then I would highly recommend you rectify it immediately. If you are a fan of Clutch's last few albums then this one should be one of your favourites. There are no more bluesy elements to the songs, it's more stripped down and rockier, but then there were never any problems with their bluesy songs anyway. I've read some reviews of Earth Rocker with the reviewer saying that they weren't fans of the previous albums because of the bluesy aspects. I guess that means the reviewer is just a tosspot. Earth Rocker still maintains the signature Clutch riffs and the what-the-hell-is-he-on-about Neil Fallon lyrics

From one of the best albums of the year to one of the best video games of the year. Bioshock Infinite. Infinite is one of those games that may not have the greatest gameplay elements (it is an FPS after all) it does however have the Sky-Hook. Throughout the floating city of Columbia are rails called "Sky-Lines", much like those used for cable cars, and once you receive the Sky-Hook you can use it to attach yourself to the Sky-Line and zip around the city at speed like a human roller-coaster. But that's not just its only use. You can use it to take the head or face off your enemies. The real selling point of the game is the story. The Bioshock series' have had some of the best written storylines, not just in video games but in TV and film. But i will not give away any of it here. You will just have to play it for yourself.

"And every time you open up your mouth, A load of Horseshit comes flying right back out"

 

Another album released last year was Deceiver of the Gods by Amon Amarth. If I remember rightly i have already wrote a blog post about this album so feel free to look it up to see what I said about the album and I gave a quick synopsis of each song. Luckily they finally realised a video for the song Father of the Wolf. It only took them 7 months, but it was worth it. We got an epic 10 minute mini movie of a music video. Do yourself a favour and watch it below. And yes, Loke is a million times better than Thor.
 

The Last of Us was released during the summer. SHOCK! HORROR! I played a PS3 game. I had been waiting for this game ever since it was revealed the year before. It just looked like it was gonna be something amazing and it was. And it was released at the right time because there was a heat wave incoming. So what better way to spend the really hot summer days than sitting inside sneaking past Cordyceps zombies and killing the real monsters: Man. Dun-dun-dunnnnnnnn. Much like Bioshock Infinite, the real selling point of the game is its story. It's one that draws you in and asks you to do things which at the time seems like the right choice but after playing you're left wondering if you were really the good guy after all. Does that seem like a spoiler? Just ignore it if it does. Besides, you should have played it by now. 6 month spoiler rule.

 

"No, no, no, I've never worn no uniform. Except for the ballroom blitz"

 

Ghost released Infestissumam in 2013. If you're from the America land then you will know them as Ghost B.C. They continue with their oddly awesome Satanic themed songs. It's not strictly metal but it's also far from being commercial. They are one of the few bands that divide the metal community. But then some of the people who hate them are just pretentious toss fucks who don't think they're metal just because they don't sound like they're about to Regorge in the Morgue (Vomitory song I quite like). Listen to them below and see what you think. If you don't like them then I don't think we can be friends any more. But do have a listen to Ghuleh/Zombie Queen. It has a great little musical middle part that I do enjoy.

If I had to choose my Game of the Year I would have to go with Grand Theft Auto V. I would say that, story-wise, it's not as strong as The Last Of Us or Bioshock Infinite but it more than makes up for it with it's gameplay and vast hidden features, such as...  Go play it! It hasn't been 6 months yet and half the fun is finding the Easter Eggs. Plus you get to play as three different characters, one of whom is one of the very best video game characters ever brought to sprite life. Trevor is a psycho that we can all learn to love. And all it takes is switching to him while he's being kicked out of a clothes shop while wearing a dress or him waking up on a beach in his underpants. Do what you can to play this game. Say goodbye to your family for a week or two and play the game to death. The less said about the online portion the better. Although I have heard it has gotten better.

"The burden of a time lord is there's never any time. Too much of eternity and nowhere to unwind"

 

That will be all I shall do for now. I'll let the albums here gestate within you for a while and become a part of you until it bursts forth to infect the next person who needs music in their lives. Kind of like a helpful The Thing. The next part will be about video games again and some music videos and songs that made up my 2013. Mainly because I haven't gotten round to listening to some albums in their entirety. I blame the Shuffle option on iPods.

Onto my recommendation:

Bob's Burgers.

It's a TV show and one of the funniest ones around. Michelle will be happy I chose it.

End of Year Awards: Movie Edition

"I Know Who The Winner Is..."

This year I have decided to make my end of year review into a kind of awards ceremony thing. If you followed me on the facebook last year you may have seen my top ten list of films of 2012 and if you didn't you are either a new friend or an un-friended friend. I have un-friended more people than I have added this year, in which case you probably won't be reading this and it was entirely YOUR fault you were un-friended. As anyone who knows me is sure to admit, I am the nicest, most tolerant person you could meet and your claims of me being an Xbox fanboy just made you come across as the bigger PS3 fanboy. Can't we all just get along and love games despite the platform. Except for the Wii. Which gives me an idea of doing a best video games list this year. Look out for it.

"Yeah, Looks Like"

 

Now let's begin with this completely meaningless awards ceremony that I have made up categories for just to fit a certain film into. If you want to make it feel more authentic then get yourself an envelope and you can open it before reading who the winner is. And to make it even more fun spray paint the envelope gold. But remember, breathe deeply while spraying. Let's get started.

Best Tarantino Film:
Django Unchained.
Obviously. Everything you love about Tarantino is in this film. From the racism to the unnecessary cameo from the man himself. No matter what he puts into his films it never seems like it's too much or too little. It's always just right. And if you didn't laugh at the hood scene then you need help. Plus it has Christoph Waltz. Christoph Waltz!

The reason you won't win an Oscar this year:
Lincoln.
Why even bother doing your best acting when you're only gonna be going up against Daniel Day-Lewis.
It's like if Mastodon are releasing a new album the same year as yours then expect to be forgotten about. Day-Lewis was really the only man who could do justice to the Lincoln legend. Never mind the fact they overlooked his gayness. but I guess the Electric Six video for Gay Bar can fill in the gaps. HA! Butthole.

Best film about the end of the world:
The World's End.
Sure, this may have been the only film I saw about the end of the world this year but it is still a great film. While it may not be as good as either Shaun or Hot Fuzz I do believe that after some more time and a few more watches it will sit comfortably alongside them as another Cornetto classic. I mean not everyone liked Hot Fuzz when it first came out. Just like all those people who didn't like the first X-Men film until the second one came out. You know who you are.

Best sequel:
Despicable Me 2.
Out of all the sequels this year I think Despicable Me 2 did what a sequel should. Go bigger and better. And it did so by having a lot more of the minions in it. You could say Iron Man 3 went bigger and better too but that didn't have minions. I could overlook some of the "dumb action movie plot holes" in it had there been minions. Just replace Jarvis with minions. I just fixed the Iron Man. But yeah, anyway, Despicable Me 2 wins best sequel.

He sure loves not wearing a top:
Hugh Jackman in The Wolverine.
Even the movie poster had him topless. I suppose if I had a personal trainer and was ripped I'd go around topless too. Until then I'll just keep taking my top off at inopportune moments. Take that, society.

Why let the source material get in the way?:
World War Z.
It wasn't until after watching World War Z that I decided to see what similarities the film had with the book. It turns out that the book doesn't actually have Brad Pitt being all Brad Pitty while Sub-Human Viral Carriers™ (not real zombies) run amok. It wasn't a bad film itself but it shouldn't have had that title. Just call it "Fast Infectors and the Explosions they Cause."

Opposite World:
Star Trek Into Darkness.
They kind of have all their stories written for themselves now since in the original remake they added that alternate timeline story so all they have to do now is take the same plot from the William Shatner films and swap around what happened to Kirk and Spock. It's ingenious. And lazy. But at least Benedict Cumberbatch was awesome in it. And since this is the opposite I guess that makes Kirk better than Picard.

Seriously? He's just wearing glasses:
Man of Steel.
While Christopher Reeve at least acted like a different person when he was Clark Kent, Henry Cavill just looks like Superman with glasses. And the terrible CGI made it look like video game characters with glitchy bodies were doing the fighting. When The Avengers destroyed a whole city they still looked (relatively) normal while doing it. D.C. Comics, it's time to shit or get off the pot.

Should have took it easy with the CGI:
Mama.
Mama was a pretty good idea. It had creepiness and Jamie Lannister. Two of them! But what let it down, like most new horror films, was the overuse of CGI. Sometimes people don't know when to end a film. I can tell you when. It's when you think using shit loads of CGI to try freak out the audience is a good idea. Just look at how good Insidious was without it. And how bad that one part with it was.

Maybe leave them alone or You probably deserved it:
Blackfish.
Has anyone in the world deserved to be mutilated more than those who force killer whales to do tricks and then enclose them in a tiny tank? Maybe post office workers but they're not in a film that I'm aware of. Blackfish is kind of like Oldboy. The whale is held captive for years until they finally get the chance to smash people's faces in with a hammer. And I couldn't be happier to see it.

Surprisingly better than expected:
Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters.
The trailer made this look fun. But then it was put back a year so they could tack 3D onto it which made me think it was gonna be awful. Watching it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There was some good killings and Jeremy Renner remains unusually good in most everything he does.

This is just here to break up all the writing.

Best prequel:
Monsters University.
A friend told me that Monsters University was just as good as Inc. but in a totally different way. And he was right. The change of setting gave the creators the chance to add new characters, such as mine and most probably everyone else's favourite, Art, as voiced by Charlie Day acting as himself from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And we also got the origins of how Mike and Sully became the great monster team and friends they were in Inc.

What the WTF?:
A Field in England.
I watched A Field in England a few weeks ago and I couldn't tell you what it was about. Something to do with digging. There was no real resolution but it was quite a trip getting there. Ben Wheatley remains an acquired taste and this would be his second least accessible film. For an introduction I would say try Sightseers. Not as good as I was hoping but I do like his gritty looking documentary style.

Tom Hiddleston Award:
Tom Hiddleston in Thor: The Dark World.
Yes he gets his own award. If you need to ask why then you don't need to know. If other actors were to embrace their roles as much as he does then Hollywood wouldn't be worrying about illegal downloading (and if HMV weren't so piss poor and catering to cretins I wouldn't have to seek other means to watch films). He's the best advertisement for whatever film he's gonna be in. Has any other villain been so loved that they had fans petition for their own film?

Needless remake:
Evil Dead.
Had I seen the Oldboy remake then that might be here instead. I've wrote enough about Evil Dead in the past so you can read my review of it to see why it wasn't welcome. I will say that the people who love this film seem to only talk about how it was all practical effects and not CGI. The effects don't suddenly turn a terribly acted film with an unlikeable cast into a Scorsese film. You can't say it's good just because they use a rubber tongue and not a computer generated one.

Best underuse of extreme violence:
Elysium.
How has everyone not ripped off Neill Blomkamp's style. Elysium had some of the best camera angles and handheld shots. But it was it's use of extreme violence that I really liked. There wasn't much of it but when there was it was just right. Some films can overdo it and others don't use enough but Blomkamp seemed to know what was called for and when. Even his use of slo-mo was spot on.

Film of the Year:
Pacific Rim.
Unless you've been ignoring me for the last 5 months then you should have known this would be my film of the year. It was also the first film I ever saw in Imax 3D. If you're gonna see a film in 3D then see it in Imax because otherwise you will just be watching a dull picture with some blurry backgrounds. It will also be the first film I see on Blu-ray thanks to Aishling.
Why is this film so good? It's down to the action and the direction and the imagination. In lesser hands this could have been Transformers but in the hands of a genius like Guillermo del Toro we got a spectacular blockbuster the likes of which Americans largely ignored. But they can keep their inspirational music documentaries where a young Katy Perry realises her dream of being a whore. So long as del Toro keeps producing work like this I'm happy to ignore the ignorant and live in a fantasy world of pure bliss.

"Numbers are as close as we get to the handwriting of God"

 

 

Well, there you have it. The most definitive end of year review of the past year's films. And if you don't think so then I will attempt to bribe you with a prize. The first, or randomly selected person to answer the following question will win whatever I have lying around that I feel like giving away. It may be something awesome or it may be nothing at all. In all fairness I'd say it'd be either my sister or Aishling who bothers to answer.
What TV shows and/or films are the three heading quotes above taken from?
I want title and the character who said them.
Comment with your answers.

Now that my bribery is out of the way there is one thing left to do. My recommendation:
Santa's Slay.
It's about former wrestler Bill Goldberg killing people as Santy. Perfect for this time of year.

Have a Merry Christmas and...

Silver Shamrock

Halloween Horror Movie Marathon Massacre

Each year I hold my very own Halloween movie marathon. It is open to anyone who wishes to attend and last year I equalled the all time attendance record of 3. And that includes myself. This year I expect the attendance to range from 1 to 2.

How I feel.

This blog will be about some of the films I watched last year and some of the ones I'm planning on watching this year. I apologise if I don't review a lot of them efficiently enough but it has been a while since I've seen them. Hopefully there will be some that you'll like to watch yourself at this time of year, especially since most TV stations, here in Ireland anyway, seem to keep all their horror films for Christmas. Who doesn't like watching The Exorcist while taking down a whole selection box. Maybe it's a warning not to overdo it on the food.

"Too many cuntin' sprouts!"

"Sister, we are the freaks"

Thanks to Aishling, last year the marathon started off with Hocus Pocus. As it probably will do again this year. If you need to be told to watch this film then you definitely have not seen it and you are missing out. I'm pretty sure it is the perfect child-friendly Halloween film. And it has the dude from Eerie, Indiana in it.

Now that the child in you has been satisfied it's time to move onto The Mummy. This is the classic Boris Karloff Universal monster movie. Even though it is 70 years old it is still a great, quite suspenseful film.

You could be forgiven for thinking Stake Land would be a comedy about vampires since it came out a year after Zombieland but the only similarities are in the title. Also there is a grizzled older man helping a younger man across the country. But that's all. I think. It is actually more like The Road. During a time when everyone and their brain dead mothers are in love with any pale-faced fucker with sharp teeth and hair product, it's refreshing to find a film that knows how vampires are supposed to act. They want to kill you, not read poetry. This is a grim, grimey gem.

I had heard good things about Sleepaway Camp for some time. While it is a typical 80s slasher it does have some good deaths and an ending you need to see that puts it on a higher level than some of it's peers.

The Return of the Living Dead is a classic. It expertly combines black comedy with horror gore and has some of the best looking zombies in any film, before or since. Everyone will remember the half dead woman and especially the Tarman zombie. But you shouldn't expect anything less from the man who wrote Alien and Total Recall.

"Wow. Dubstep sucks"

"BRAAAAAAAIIIINS"

Did you discover the theme of the list of films above? It was types of monsters of horror. There were witches, a mummy, vampires, slasher and zombies. I also had a serial killer one that I didn't get round to watching. Maybe this year.

I still haven't decided what I want to watch this Halloween but I did come up with two themes I could go for. Or I might just watch anything I feel like.

The first theme is films by famous horror directors.

"There's something in the fog"

Rather than write a piece on each film I'll just list them out.

John Carpenter's The Fog (or The Thing, or Halloween or Prince of Darkness, or Big Trouble in Little China)
Suspiria by Dario Argento (If you only see one film about a ballet school make it this one)
Black Sabbath by Mario Bava (I am quite fond of a portmanteau)
Pan's Labyrinth by Guillermo del Toro (A masterpiece)
Audition by Takashi Miike (or Imprint, his hour long episode for The Masters of Horror series)
The House by the Cemetery by Lucio Fulci (Worth watching just for Simple Bob)

The next theme I thought of was sequels.

"Awww, i guess she had something to do"

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (It steps away from Michael Myers for a new story, the way John Carpenter had planned for the Halloween movies to be)
Amityville II: The Possession (I recently bought this in Dealz for €1.49. The Z stands for "Value")
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (I think this is the second best film in the series)
The Devil's Rejects (A great road movie with an awesome clown)
The Exorcist III (Undoes the terribleness of the second film)
Troll 2 (You can thank me after you watch it)

"Tutti fuckin' frutti"

They be the films I might be watching this Halloween. And if they're not I will let you know whether you like it or not. Also if you have any favourites of your own or any recommendations for me then drop me a comment.
Now for my recommendation for you:

Trick 'r Treat

It's a pretty awesome Halloween film that everyone who loves Halloween should see. And watch again every year. Don't confuse it with the other Trick or Treat. If Ozzy and Gene Simmons are in it then you have the wrong one. But watch it anyway.

I suppose that will be all for now. Get out there and watch some horror films.